IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #government #society
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In numerous countries, the average lifespan of individuals has significantly increased in recent times. Many people argue that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
population
 creates challenges for the
government
,
while
 others believe that society may get
benefits
 if there is an ageing
population
 in the community.
This
 essay will argue that
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 outweigh the
benefits
. The main disadvantage of older people is that they may enhance the costs of medical care. The reason is that elderly groups tend to require more medical care and support
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 like nursing, which can lead to higher healthcare costs for individuals and the
government
.
Secondly
, an ageing
population
 might create pressure on economic growth. For
Add an article
an instant
show examples
instant
Replace the word
instance
show examples
, when people
are coming
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 older and
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
retire,
Add an article
the labor
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market will hire another amount of young employees but they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 meet enough.
This
 thing can lead to
underdevelopment
Correct article usage
the underdevelopment
show examples
 of factories
in particular
 and the economy in general.
Moreover
, if the
government
 does not have timely
population
 adjustment policies, it may lead to a
population
 shortage in the future.
On the other hand
, older groups can
also
 have different
benefits
 like spreading their experience in
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 field
as well as
society
Change preposition
in society
show examples
. Increasing healthcare costs and the economic downturn that the elderly
population
 poses for both authorities and each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 clearly exceed the argument that
this
 community might be beneficial for society.
Last
 but not least, each aspect will have its own
benefits
 and drawbacks,
this
Correct word choice
and this
show examples
 issue is no exception. To me, to
handling
Wrong verb form
handle
show examples
 among younger and older groups, the
government
 should pay more attention and release suitable policies to somewhat limit the rapid ageing of the
population
.
Submitted by chauhongngoc.577 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, make sure your ideas flow more logically. Using clear topic sentences can help readers follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Remember to provide relevant and specific examples to support your points more effectively. This makes your arguments stronger and more persuasive.
task achievement
Try to avoid repeating points and ensure you address both the advantages and disadvantages comprehensively. This fulfills the task requirement better.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument which shows a balanced approach to the question.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, which gives your essay a clear sense of structure.
task achievement
You raise some pertinent points about the challenges of an ageing population, such as increased healthcare costs and economic pressure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageing population
  • Pension systems
  • Healthcare demand
  • Workforce demographics
  • Life expectancy
  • Economic productivity
  • Intergenerational relationships
  • Cultural heritage
  • Social services
  • Government spending
  • Skills gap
  • Public services
  • Cultural enrichment
  • Seniority advantage
  • Elder care
  • Demographic shift
What to do next:
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