IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The government should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #sport #art #school #sports #events #communities
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Some people assert that the
government
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 should support
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
development the
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sports
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of sports
show examples
 and
art
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 classes in
school
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while
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disagree
Wrong verb form
disagreeing
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 with sponsoring
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 and
art
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 events in communities. There is a persuasive
agreements
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agreement
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 that promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
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 and
art
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 courses in
gernal
Correct your spelling
general
 education should
initiate
Wrong verb form
be initiated
show examples
 first.
Firstly
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, when the
government
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 should support
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school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 having
sports
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 and
art
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 classes in their educational course,
this
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 has a beneficial effect
to
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on
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 children with finding unacademic talents. Engaging in outdoor activities and creating their own artwork allows students to learn about their own skills and interests.
On the other hand
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, the
government
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's promotion of these non-academic classes in schools can provide much-needed balance.
This
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 is because
sports
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 and
art
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 alleviate students' stress when suffering from
a
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apply
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long-term study.
For example
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, in modern society where indoor activities have developed, a
sport
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sports
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 class in
school
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 improves children's health
such
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 as being overweight and poor activity.
For example
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, in Korea, Young students are risking their health in return for higher grades. In conclusion,
while
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 some opponents argue that the
government
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 should sponsor
sports
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 and
art
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 events in communities, the benefits of discovering non-academic talents and enhancing physical abilities strongly support the idea of prioritizing these activities in schools. For all these reasons, I believe that the
government
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 make an all-out effort
in promoting
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to promote
show examples
sports
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 and
art
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 in regular
school
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 curricula.
Submitted by kopopig on

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task achievement
You have presented a clear position on the topic, which is great. However, some of your ideas could be expanded further for a more comprehensive response. For example, consider providing more detailed examples or elaborating on how promoting sports and arts in schools can lead to long-term benefits for society.
task achievement
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly detract from the clarity of your essay. For instance, "support in development the sports and art classes" would be better phrased as "support the development of sports and art classes." Careful proofreading can help improve this aspect.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are well-organized and follow a logical structure, but some transitions could be smoother. Adding more cohesive devices like "moreover," "in addition," and "furthermore" can help improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Providing a brief summary of your main points in the conclusion could add to the cohesion of your essay. This helps to reinforce your arguments and leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You have included relevant points about how promoting sports and arts in schools can benefit students both academically and physically.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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