The government should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #sport #art #school #sports #events #communities

Some people assert that the

government

should support

Change preposition

apply

show examples

development the

sports

Change preposition

of sports

show examples

and

art

classes in

school

while

disagree

Wrong verb form

disagreeing

show examples

with sponsoring

sport

Fix the agreement mistake

sports

show examples

and

art

events in communities. There is a persuasive

agreements

Change the noun form

agreement

show examples

that promoting

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

sports

and

art

courses in

gernal

Correct your spelling

general

education should

initiate

Wrong verb form

be initiated

show examples

first.

Firstly

, when the

government

should support

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

having

sports

and

art

classes in their educational course,

this

has a beneficial effect

Change preposition

show examples

children with finding unacademic talents. Engaging in outdoor activities and creating their own artwork allows students to learn about their own skills and interests.

On the other hand

, the

government

's promotion of these non-academic classes in schools can provide much-needed balance.

This

is because

sports

and

art

alleviate students' stress when suffering from

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

long-term study.

For example

, in modern society where indoor activities have developed, a

sport

Change the noun form

sports

show examples

class in

school

improves children's health

such

as being overweight and poor activity.

For example

, in Korea, Young students are risking their health in return for higher grades. In conclusion,

while

some opponents argue that the

government

should sponsor

sports

and

art

events in communities, the benefits of discovering non-academic talents and enhancing physical abilities strongly support the idea of prioritizing these activities in schools. For all these reasons, I believe that the

government

make an all-out effort

in promoting

Change preposition

to promote

show examples

sports

and

art

in regular

school

curricula.

Submitted by kopopig on Fri May 31 2024

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task achievement

You have presented a clear position on the topic, which is great. However, some of your ideas could be expanded further for a more comprehensive response. For example, consider providing more detailed examples or elaborating on how promoting sports and arts in schools can lead to long-term benefits for society.

task achievement

There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly detract from the clarity of your essay. For instance, "support in development the sports and art classes" would be better phrased as "support the development of sports and art classes." Careful proofreading can help improve this aspect.

coherence cohesion

Your ideas are well-organized and follow a logical structure, but some transitions could be smoother. Adding more cohesive devices like "moreover," "in addition," and "furthermore" can help improve the flow of your essay.

coherence cohesion

Providing a brief summary of your main points in the conclusion could add to the cohesion of your essay. This helps to reinforce your arguments and leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

coherence cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively frame your argument.

task achievement

You have included relevant points about how promoting sports and arts in schools can benefit students both academically and physically.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

222 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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The government should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Fully explain your ideas

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Many people around the world use social media every day to keep in touch with others people and get new events. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. To that extent do you agree or disagree.

Large companies should pay higher salaries to CEOs and executives compared to other workers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?