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Band 5

Some people think that the modern communication technology is having a negtive effect on social relationship. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #communication #technology #negtive #effect #relationship
Whether the effect of communication advancement bears some consideration.
This
 writer disagrees that it has
adverse
Add an article
an adverse
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 impact on the social
relationship
due to
 its assets in the efficiency and the opportunities to expand the relation. It must be recognized that it is profitable for the user to use
technology
 in their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
.
This
 is because
technology
 can provide a faster and safer way to convey information
between
Change preposition
to
show examples
 each other.
As a result
, users can have a superior experience with the optimum efficiency. Microsoft’s report in 2015 showed that by using
technology
 in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
, the
quality
 can rise up to around 250% than before.
Therefore
,
technology
 can be an ideal tool to upgrade and protect the
relationship
 in
Correct article usage
the long-term
show examples
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
show examples
. Another reason make
technology
worth
Add a missing verb
is worth
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 consideration is its potential to extend the
relationship
.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
joining a global network,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help the user connect with the world and make new friends.
As a consequence
, their
relationship
 network can be bigger and more variable than before. Take Vietnam as a prime example, where the
quality
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
relationship
 of the population has risen to a point which
90
Add a missing verb
is 90
show examples
% higher than before during COVID-19.
Additionally
, the mental health of the nation has
also
 been improved with the decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 autism cases.
Hence
,
technology
 can be used as a helpful tool to improve the
relationship
quality
 of its users. Taking everything into account,
technology
 can improve the variety and
quality
 of
relationship
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
.
Thus
, it is beneficial to adopt
technology
 in the modern
relationship
.
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task achievement
Work on improving grammatical accuracy. Phrases like 'make technology worth consideration' can be reshaped for better clarity.
supported main points
Ensure that examples and data are well-integrated and relevant. For instance, the statistic from Microsoft and Vietnam can be elaborated further for clarity and direct relevance to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Aim for a seamless flow in transitions between ideas and paragraphs. The essay can benefit from using a wider range of linking phrases to enhance coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance in the introduction and conclusion, making the argument easy to follow.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as those related to Microsoft and Vietnam, which support the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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