The chart below shows the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008 (Steve no copyright)

The chart below shows the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008 (Steve no copyright)
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The two pie charts depict the proportions of
time
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adults in a specific country allocated to various
activities
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in 1958 and 2008. The units are expressed as percentages. In summary, adults dedicated the majority of their day to sleeping and working in both years,
whereas
Linking Words
other
activities
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were significantly less
time
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-consuming. Notably, the allocation of
time
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to work-related
activities
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was higher in 2008 compared to 1958,
while
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the duration spent on other tasks generally increased. Examining sleeping and working
first,
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these two
activities
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predominated the daily schedules. In 1958, the proportion of
time
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allocated to sleeping was approximately 32%, marginally less than the 33% devoted to working. By 2008, the
time
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dedicated to working had significantly increased to 42%,
whereas
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the
time
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spent sleeping declined to 25%. Turning to the remaining four
activities
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, which occupied smaller segments of the day, the percentage of
time
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spent socializing outside the home in 1958 was 19%, more than three times the 6% in 2008.
Conversely
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, the
time
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devoted to relaxing at home rose from 8% in 1958 to 13% in 2008. The proportion of
time
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spent commuting to work escalated from 2% in 1958 to 8% in 2008.
Finally
Linking Words
, the category of 'other chores' remained constant at 6% in both years.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, activities with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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