IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

SOME PEOPLE THINK TECHNOLOGY DEVEOPMENT DECRESES CRIME, WHILE OTHERS BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY ENCOURAGES CRIMES. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OIPINION.

#people #technology #deveopment #decreses #crime #crimes #oipinion
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
 the
crime
rate
 is claimed to have declined owing to the technological enhancements in some parts of society, others assume the opposite notion. The reasons behind
this
 tendency are the applications of modernized devices have assisted the investigation, contrastingly, the lax
security
 on some social platforms is the hole for most criminals.
This
 writer believes that thanks to the latest techniques, seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hidden details during investigation overshadows
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weak cyber
security
. It is vital to understand that there is a wide range of technological inventions used in the military
coupled with
 criminal inquiry. To explain
further
, CCTV systems
along with
 facial recognition have been utilized in many nations as tools for locating suspects, solving crimes, and ensuring public safety.
As a consequence
, these devices share work with police forces
as well as
 tighten the local areas’
security
 so as to have
an immediate responses
Correct the article-noun agreement
an immediate response
immediate responses
show examples
 in emergencies.
Therefore
, the technologies have massive impacts on supervising and determining unusual activities which result in the diminishing of
crime
.
However
, the opponents are inclined to weak cyber
security
 continually happening on various platforms because of technology developments. To gain
further
 insights, as living in a digital era, people become addicted to posting personal lives
along with
 having unreliable relationships online.
Consequently
, these actions give the opportunities for cybercrime
so as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to steal personal information which have access to victim’s bank accounts or even accommodations.
Thus
, modern applications are used as a contributory factor for the
crime
rate
 growth. From the writer’s perspective, the
crime
rate
 has decreased significantly because of the advancements in surveillance technologies. To put it simply, with the involvement of modern devices, investigators easily identify many mysterious details including footprints, strange objects video, and image analysis for the police to detect complex accidents and
crime
 scenes.
To sum up
 briefly,
while
 some people blame technologies for increasing the
crime
rate
 because of unrestricted cyber
security
, the utilization of these gadgets has simplified the investigation progress among police
as well as
 assured the residents’ safety
must obtain
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more consideration.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to make your main points clearer and more distinct by structuring each paragraph around a single idea. This will improve the coherence of your essay and make your arguments easier to follow.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments. This will enhance the credibility and depth of your essay.
task achievement
Clarify some ideas by rephrasing and simplifying complex sentences. Clearer sentences will make your points more comprehensible and convincing.
task achievement
Your essay covers both views and provides your opinion clearly, addressing the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize your key points.
coherence cohesion
You've made good use of transitional phrases to connect your ideas, which helps the overall flow of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: