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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The number of out weight children in the developed country is increasing. Some people thing this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Other believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children health

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In highly developed countries like America, the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 is too high. Some say fast
food
Use synonyms
 is the cause. Some say that
such
Linking Words
 cases are caused by
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of parental control. Fast-
food
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" is among the most preferred foods among
children
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 and adults
due to
Linking Words
 its appearance and taste.
In particular
Linking Words
, they attract people because they can be eaten immediately. . So what are the harms of "fast
food
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" for
children
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?It
also
Linking Words
 facilitates the occurrence of cancer and other chronic diseases. Fast
food
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, which has low nutritional value in terms of vitamins and minerals, weakens your child's immune system. It is known that drinks produced
together with
Linking Words
 fast
food
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 damage the chemical balance of the body and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
a bad effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a bad effect
bad effects
show examples
 on the human mind. In general, all these are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 the future of
children
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. In modern times, many people prefer ready-made foods. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is lack of time and a lot of work.
For example
Linking Words
,
lately
Add a comma
lately,
show examples
 all parents
works
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 and they don't have time to look after their
children
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. But
this
Linking Words
 should not be an excuse. Parents should not allow their
children
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 to eat fast
food
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 as much as they can In conclusion, I think both of these are wrong. It's really hard to stop eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 nowadays. But it can be controlled with parental control.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and fluency of expression. Some sentences are fragmented or unclear.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could include statistics or real-life cases.
task achievement
Develop points further to elaborate on your arguments. Ensure every main idea is clearly and thoroughly explored.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance, balancing the viewpoints and offering a resolution.
coherence cohesion
Introduction sets the context well and clearly outlines the issue at hand.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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