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Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Snacks and drinks available in
supermarket
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supermarkets
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contains
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contain
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 high
concentration
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concentrations
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 of
sugar
. Consumption of these foods can
cuase
Correct your spelling
cause
 serious
health
 issues like type 2 diabetes. I firmly agree
to
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with
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 the fact that
,
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apply
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 these products should be sold
in
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at
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 high
price
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prices
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 in order to discourage
general
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the general
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 public
to avoid
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from avoiding
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it
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them
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.
I
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In
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developed
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a developed
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 country,
obesecity
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obesity
 has
became
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become
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 a
health
crises
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crisis
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. Consuming high
level
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levels
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 of
sugar
 is the primary reason for that. Medical
condition
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conditions
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such
 as type 2 diabetes
is
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are
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 more prevalent than before.
For example
, in
a
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an
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 NHS study, it is said that around 20% of
the
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apply
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diabetic patients are suffering from type 2 diabetes, which is
record
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a record
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 high.
In addition
 to that, people who
consumes
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consume
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sugar
 in frequent
interval
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intervals
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 has
high
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a high
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 dental caries index. They suffer from dental pain and discomfort more often,
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result, they avoid eating certain foods. It opens up the door
of
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to
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 many other
health
condition
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conditions
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such
 as malnutrition.
For instance
,
according to
American
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the American
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 Endodontic Society, people who
has
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have
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 all
tooth
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teeth
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 present are generally more healthy. There are other effects of consuming
carbohydrate rich
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carbohydrate-rich
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 foods. Many visits to hospitals and dentists are costly, adding up to huge medical
bill
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bills
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. Not everyone can afford
this
, resulting in living a compromised unhealthy life.
This
affect
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affects
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 our mental
health
, leading to many
psycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 disorders
such
 as depression. In conclusion, companies tend to put a high level of
sugar
 in their food and drinks.
This
 brings about a plethora of medical conditions as stated above. I think
,
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apply
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 the way to avoid
this phenomena
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this phenomenon
these phenomena
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by
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is by
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 increasing the price of these products.
This
 way we can contain
this
 pandemic.
Submitted by mostakahmedfaysal on

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Grammar
Work on avoiding minor grammatical errors such as 'I developed country' should be 'In developed countries' and 'obesecity' should be 'obesity'.
Linking Words
Enhance the coherence by better linking ideas within paragraphs. Use more transition words to clearly show relationships between ideas.
Examples
Make sure to support each point with more relevant, detailed examples. You could provide more specific evidence or statistics to strengthen your arguments.
Task Response
You have successfully identified and elaborated on multiple reasons why sugary products should be made more expensive, which addresses the essay prompt effectively.
Structure
Your essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Support
You have used specific examples and studies, making your argument more credible.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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