IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

Although
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 using a
smartphone
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 brings
lots
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 of benefits to
children
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, excessive
use
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 of smartphones has a negative impact on them. In a world where the population is increasing rapidly, resulting in more houses to be built for shelter, there are fewer and fewer fields for
children
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 to play outdoor
games
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, like cricket and football, especially in urban areas.
This
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 results in
children
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 using smartphones more in their leisure time. A
smartphone
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 with an internet connection can bring
lots
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 of benefits to
children
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. It immensely helps them in their studies. If
children
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 do not understand a theory, equation, or topic, they can search for it on the internet to understand it. There will be
lots
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 of educational channels that will clarify their confusion.
Also
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, if
children
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use
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 a
smartphone
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, they remain connected with their parents. If they are late entering the house, parents can call them to know the reasons.
Additionally
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, in case of an emergency,
children
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 can call their father or mother to get help.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 can become addicted to mobile phones because of excessive
smartphone
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use
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. They can become addicted to playing
games
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 online, watching too many videos on YouTube, and scrolling social platforms like Facebook all the time, which diverts their focus from their studies.
Also
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, they often get sick because of less physical exercise.
Additionally
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, their mental growth is hampered because they are not playing
games
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 in the field. When
children
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 play
games
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 with other
children
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, they have to communicate with others, which improves their communication skills, learn how to play as a team member, and learn how to lead a team, etc. These qualities are essential for every child whenever they are admitted to schools or colleges
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 after finishing their graduation, when they start their professional life.
However
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,
while
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 smartphones bring
lots
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 of benefits to
children
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, we cannot ignore the negative side of them. Parents have to keep an eye on their
children
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 regarding their excessive
use
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 of mobile phones.
Otherwise
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, it will have a bad impact on
children
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's mental and physical health.

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task response
Be very clear in your view. End by saying if you think it is good or bad. Some parts of the text seem to be not needed, so cut them or move them.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Use small words like and, but, also, for example. Put ideas in a plan so the reader can see the point in order.
task response
You give both good sides with real examples, like school help and safety at home.
coherence cohesion
The examples stay close to the topic and show why a phone can be good or bad.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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