IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say olympics is a waste of money and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion .

#people #olympic #games #events #nations #olympics #waste #money
Nowadays, many believe that taking part in interesting Olympic events is a good way to encourage many different countries's connections.
However
, some state that the government should invest in other primary purposes
instead
.
This
 essay will discuss both sides of
this
 phenomenon and state my view. It is obvious that many fundamental fields require the funds of governments
such
 as transportation and education.
Firstly
, residents need a convenient road system or vehicles to travel or go to work effectively;
hence
, upgrading transportation is a must.
For example
, in Ho Chi Minh City of Vietnam, because of the large density of the population, there are lots of matters about traffic
such
 as traffic congestion on accidents.
Furthermore
, many families cannot afford the fees for their children; leading to the necessity to offer more support finance by giving scholarships.
On the other hand
, joining in Olympic events may grow the interconnection between people and countries. It does not only encourage the physical health of citizens, but it
also
 aligns the bonds of distinctive cultures.
Additionally
, participants may know more about other traditions and customs in order to widen their horizons and enhance their progress. To cite an instance, when Vietnamese have a chance to participate in
this
 event, it is of assistance to introduce their culture and improve their values effectively through their talents. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that many important fields need the assistance of the government, taking part in the Olympic games is one of the productive ways to meet the demands of people in their lives.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides an opinion, fulfilling the task well. However, some examples could be more specific and clearer to enhance understanding.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical organization with clear paragraphs; however, the transition between ideas and coherence could be improved for a smoother flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences and phrases could be rephrased for clarity. Consider varying sentence structure to maintain reader interest.
task achievement
The essay clearly discusses both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined and provide a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
Providing examples, like the one about Ho Chi Minh City, helps to support your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promotes global unity
  • Cultural exchange
  • Economic benefits
  • Job creation
  • Tourism
  • Infrastructure
  • Active lifestyle
  • Financial undertaking
  • Economic burden
  • Underutilization
  • Wasted resources
  • White elephants
  • Opportunity cost
  • Critical areas
  • Social welfare
What to do next:
Look at other essays: