IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities.

#money #businesses #responsibilities
Businesses have always made efforts to maximise their income whatever it took to achieve, yet It is common knowledge that societal duties should
also
 be an integral part of
companies
. I completely agree with the idea that it is , without a doubt, necessary for business
companies
 to make more
contribution
Fix the agreement mistake
contributions
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 to the community in which they have been thriving for a long time rather than solely putting more emphasis on making money. On the one hand, It is commonly acceptable that
money making
Add a hyphen
money-making
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 in almost all business sectors with a view to surviving in a competitive sphere is undoubtedly essential. It seems logical that any company’s running costs
such
 as the staff’s wage and bills for the
entreprise
Correct your spelling
enterprise
 and
utulities
Correct your spelling
utilities
 should be seen as a priority when it comes to its
overall
 development and success in the long term.
Above all
, If they wish to stay successful, it is important that they should put some investment in improvements and innovations. Unless they are able to meet these demands, they will eventually become less concerned about things beyond their own needs and responsibilities. Namely, when the company has fulfilled these demands, they will
then
 be able to cope with
responsibilities
Correct article usage
the responsibilities
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 of the society which needs their investments.
On the other hand
, making more money should not be considered the main priority among business
companies
, as they have an essential societal role to play. One of the main obligatory of businesses in the community is to treat
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 staff well without any exploitation which tends to be seen as
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 manner in all sectors. Take perks or incentives as an example, given these bonuses, the quality of
employers
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employees
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life
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lives
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 can be ensured. I
also
 like the idea that
businesses
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businesses'
business's
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 investment to support local charities,
enviromental
Correct your spelling
environmental
 schemes
Add the comma(s)
, as well as education initiatives,
show examples
as well as
 education initiatives could bring more developments in society.
Finally
, some
companies
 tend to reduce tax
pays
Fix the agreement mistake
pay
show examples
 by using loopholes ,
instead
 if they feel transparent and honest when it
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 to these situations, I believe they could
also
 contribute more to the community via the tax system. In summary, I am convinced that
companies
 ought to make efforts in order to make
contribution
Add an article
a contribution
show examples
 to their society as they do more to gain more profit.
Submitted by a_zamjonov99 on

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Grammar
There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Consider reviewing grammar rules and sentence structure.
Development
Including more specific examples would strengthen your argument. Try elaborating on each main point with real-world cases.
Language
Repetition of certain phrases such as 'making money' and 'societal responsibilities' can be minimized to avoid redundancy. Using synonyms would make your writing more engaging.
Structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, showing a good understanding of essay structure.
Task Response
You have made a complete response to the task by addressing both aspects of the topic: making money and social responsibilities.
Coherence and Cohesion
Main ideas are clearly presented and generally supported, showing a coherent line of thought.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social responsibilities
  • Corporate social responsibility
  • Ethical behavior
  • Societal impact
  • Stakeholders
  • Profit-driven
  • Public perception
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Community development
  • Human rights
  • Workplace safety
  • Altruism
  • Balanced approach
  • Accountability
  • Consumer loyalty
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