IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Although many people value their public parks, this space could be used other purpose such as residential areas for over growing population or to develop business and boost economics. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

#people #value #parks #space #purpose #areas #population #business #economics
It is thought by a selection of individuals that valuable green
spaces
 in many community areas should be demolished and replaced by accommodation and facilities for business to improve the economy
due to
 an influx of people in some cities. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
 notion and my supportive reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, public
parks
 provide residents in those areas with tons of benefits and one of the most significant is to reduce pollution. To elaborate
further
, a lot of trees are grown in these
parks
 contributing to reducing the amount of CO2 in the air.
Moreover
, the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 buildings and people in communities, the less amount of waste and debris is littered and
thus
 we still have nice and pleasant
spaces
 to use. To specifically demonstrate, there was a time in my city
that
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 authorities tried to obliterate our
parks
 and intended to construct a new apartment.
However
, a couple of researchers living in my city showed and presented that the amount of CO2 and garbage would dramatically shoot up to the level that would harm residents badly and
therefore
 the authorities had a big change of heart and cancelled the development plan.
Additionally
, another clear upside of public
parks
 is that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be used to improve our health. To explain in greater detail, individuals can use these
spaces
 to communicate and socialise with each other, making a tight and fond connection.
Furthermore
, there are several people using green
spaces
 doing exercises and workouts in order to keep them fit and stay in shape. An apt illustration of
this
 is that my father always spends his morning doing regular routine workouts, specifically, running which in turn keeps him as fit as a fiddle and hardly catches illnesses.
In addition
, he has made a number of friends since the first time he went to that park, spending quality time with them. All in all, it is undeniable that there are some individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 want to replace public
spaces
 with residential areas and companies. From my point of view, I disagree with
this
 idea as these
parks
 are the solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 pollution in communities
as well as
 offer us a sense of well-being, keeping us healthy.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
While your essay clearly disagrees with replacing public parks with residential and business areas, make sure you also address the opposing viewpoint in more detail. This can strengthen your argument by showing that you have considered multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, aim to use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with a strong introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
You provide comprehensive and clear ideas to support your stance, backed up with relevant and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a high level of coherence, with each paragraph smoothly transitioning to the next, making your argument easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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