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Band 2.5

Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Others believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #support #artists #painters #musicians #alternative #sources
The financial
support
 should
raise
Wrong verb form
be raised
show examples
 for
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
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 rather than the common
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
. There are an advantage and
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 between the two of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. On the
first
Correct word choice
other
show examples
 hand, the creative occupation has
less position
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer positions
show examples
 in the job description and
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
government
 structure
that
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 many documents
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
support
 before approving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial
support
. There will be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
little space and opportunity for the artist or the musician to show their ability, many entertainments require a
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
superstar and it not that plenty of
people
 with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
talent. By the way, the advantage of
government
support
 is getting
in to
Join the words
into
show examples
 every society and
people
 that
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the alternative
sources
Fix the agreement mistake
source
show examples
 is the group of
people
 that
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the same decision with their own passion to follow their dream but there are less amount of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 than from
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
However
, there are a group of
working
Replace the word
workers
show examples
 that require
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
connection
Add an article
a connection
the connection
show examples
 that alternative sources have and a large amount of money from a bunch of same style
people
. In my opinion, I think that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should
support
 the alternative source to provide a large amount of financial
support
 to all
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 and
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
 to survive using their own ability.
Submitted by kt.03pva on

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coherence cohesion
Improve overall clarity by organizing ideas into clear paragraphs with topic sentences. For example, dedicate one paragraph to the benefits of government support, another to the advantages of alternative sources, and a concluding paragraph that states your final opinion.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific cases where government support has successfully boosted artists' careers, or examples where alternative funding has resulted in thriving arts communities.
task achievement
Proofread for grammar and vocabulary errors to improve overall readability. Make sure sentences are grammatically correct and convey the intended meaning clearly.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, discussing both views before expressing a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay attempts to discuss both advantages and disadvantages, which shows an effort to cover multiple perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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