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Band 4.5

Some people believe that the most important aim of science is it improve the people's lives. What extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #aim #science #lives
It is widely believed that the primary goal of
science
 is to enhance the quality of human life. The writer of
this
 essay agrees with
this
 notion
due to
 bringing convenience
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 housework and providing modern means of transportation. To commence with, scientific products are able to support
people
 in
house-keeping
Correct your spelling
housekeeping
show examples
.
In other words
, electronic appliances
such
 as vacuums and fridges are the tools that can reduce challenges in doing housework for individuals, especially those who are busy with their work and do not have sufficient time for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 families .
As a result
,
people
 will be less burned out
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
well
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
as possessing
Wrong verb form
possess
show examples
 more leisure time for other crucial activities. Take,
for example
, Japan, where 30% of citizens in 2021 said that they were more comfortable in cleaning dishes since individuals bought washing machines for their kitchens. Producing new vehicles,
moreover
, is one of
accomplishments
Add an article
the accomplishments
show examples
 of
science
 that makes human life more convenient. To be more specific, since traffic transportation was upgraded,
people
 have been able to reach their destinations swiftly.
Furthermore
, the existence of transportation
also
 fosters commercial trade between various nations that improves human amenities all around the world.
For instance
, The New York Times in 2019 showed that in Vietnam, there were 20 million motorbikes which helped 23 million commuters go to their workplaces punctually.
Thus
,
science
declines
Verb problem
reduces
show examples
 the difficulty
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 doing housework and supplies various traffic transits for
people
.
Hence
, enhancing the quality of living is the most crucial target of
science
.
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task achievement
Your essay offers a clear and comprehensive perspective on the topic, and you've maintained good clarity throughout. However, to achieve an even higher score, consider providing a more nuanced analysis or addressing potential counterarguments.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed and well-supported. While your examples are relevant, adding a bit more detailed explanation or additional evidence could strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is quite good, but linking sentences between paragraphs can be improved to achieve smoother transitions.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors and improve sentence variety to maintain coherence and flow. Additionally, ensure that all sentences directly contribute to your main argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the argument, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the points made.
task achievement
Examples used are relevant and help illustrate the points being made. The focus on housework and transportation is specific and well-chosen.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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