These days, older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves (for example on holidays) rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development?
Retiree prefers using their
money
for themselves to saving it which will be sent to their children. The writer of this
essay believes that this
is a positive innovation because this
money
is only spent by retired people in order to improve their life quality and sharpen young generations to be more independent.
The quality of living conditions will be refined when retiree utilize their money
for themselves. To put it simply, when people get older, disease will become the main issue which threatens to
physical and mental health , so they have to invest more Change preposition
apply
money
in healthcare, and accommodation to maintain a healthy lifestyle. As a result
, the rate of happiness in the old has increased recently since they are likely to take care of themselves.
Not sharing money
for children's retirees should have been a good way for parents to build up an independent mindset for the young. In other words
, if individuals know they will lose motivation to get a promotion career or earn money
, leading to a lack of self-reliance. For instance
, teenagers in developed countries are allowed to live independently without financial support, therefore
these juveniles are more mature than the other peers.
In conclusion, older people have a tendency to spend money
on themselves is a positive development due to
the life quality of them and the self-reliance of their children will be
establishedWrong verb form
being
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on
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task achievement
Your response is generally clear and covers the essential points of the task, but it could benefit from clearer explanations and stronger reasoning to support your arguments.
task achievement
Try to introduce more specific and illustrative examples to better support your arguments. For instance, mention particular healthcare services or lifestyle improvements that retirees invest in, or specific ways in which young people become more independent.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing more detailed and logically connected supporting points. Each paragraph should flow smoothly into the next, ensuring that the overall argument is coherent and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and refine your language to be more precise and varied. Repeating the same ideas or phrases can make your writing seem less sophisticated.
strength task achievement
You have addressed the prompt effectively and maintained focus on the given topic throughout the essay.
strength coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argumentation.
strength coherence cohesion
The main points are relevant to the task and are logically presented, making the essay easy to understand.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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