IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

when choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many
people
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 claim that when it comes to choosing a profession, the most substantial factor to consider is the proportion of the salary.
This
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 essay totally agrees with
this
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 statement because high
salaries
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 can lead to increased work efficiency.
Additionally
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, well-compensated
jobs
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 are more likely to influence
employees
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' commitment and morale. On the one hand, the salary is considered as an effective item in making
people
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, work more efficiently.
That is
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 to say that when
employees
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 are fairly paid they will be more motivated to meet required deadlines.
Furthermore
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, nowadays, money is the most important element in
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people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 daily lives and they see poverty as an obstacle that blocks their minds;
Therefore
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, they can focus more on their professions.
For example
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,
pavol
Change the capitalization
Pavol
Pavel
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 Durov the owner of Telegram has claimed that he has boosted his
employees
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' incentives by raising their
salaries
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.
On the other hand
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, if individuals are paid well, the
possibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
possibility
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 of them sticking to their
jobs
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 will rise.
According to
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 the societies, many employed
people
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 change their
jobs
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 frequently
due to
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 low levels of
salaries
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. Well-compensated companies by dedicating more
salaries
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 to their
employees
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, are more likely to have them recruited for longer periods of time.
In contrast
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, when individuals feel that they are not respected in their current positions, they may not stay committed to their
jobs
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.
For instance
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, many companies lose their workers annually,
as a result
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 of not considering fair
salaries
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 for them. In conclusion, I agree that if individuals are paid enough, they will probably be more dedicated to their
jobs
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.
Moreover
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, they are more likely to stay with their company and maintain a high level of loyalty.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear and relevant response to the prompt, addressing both the importance of salary for work efficiency and employee retention. However, you could enhance the depth of your argument by including more varied examples and exploring potential counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure with defined paragraphs, there is some room for improvement. For instance, your topic sentences can be made more precise to clearly introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Consistently use transition words and linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion about the importance of salary in job selection.
supported main points
The main points are supported with relevant examples, such as the reference to Pavel Durov's strategy with Telegram employees.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consideration
  • sole factor
  • financial stability
  • security
  • motivating factor
  • dissatisfaction
  • demotivation
  • job satisfaction
  • overall well-being
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • flexible working hours
  • vacations
  • career growth opportunities
  • skill development
  • advancement
  • determining factor
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