IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some believe that the Olympic games help bring people from different nations together, while others claim that holding the Olympics wastes money which could be used for important issues. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Some individuals are of the opinion that bridging the gap among nations is the main purpose of the Olympic games,
while
 others assume that the money spent on holding them should be utilized for other primary problems.
This
 essay attempts to discuss both views and provide
this
 writer’s perspective, meaning crucial issues need to be prioritized to be handled first.
To begin
 with, connecting people from all the regions in the world is important when the Olympics are organized. It is valid because the Olympics is where the representatives of countries gather in one place in order to compete with each other for the victories.
Moreover
, throughout the Olympics’ duration, those sportspersons are required to stay in the same dormitory, regardless of their nationalities, leading to the fact that everyone all have chance to communicate with ones from other nations. Having conversations with other people will not only foster a sense of human bonds but
also
 diplomatic relations among governments.
For instance
, an increasing number of agreements are being made after the Olympic games.
However
, the writer strongly believes that the budget used for holding the Olympics is essential for dealing with important concerns,
such
 as the lack of healthcare services in rural regions. It is acknowledged that the officials only distribute the positions of hospitals and pharmacies in the metropolises
due to
 the high demands for better health conditions in dwellers, ignoring that residents from remote areas
also
 need these healthcare facilities when they get ill.
In addition
, it results in the circumstance that if they have problems with their health, they have to commute for a long distance, tens of kilometres, in order to reach the nearest dispensary.
This
 sparse allocation of hospitals resorts to the worsening state or even morality.
For example
, more than 100 mountainous and minority patients died on the way to the health centres. In conclusion, despite the benefit of narrowing countries’ relations in organizing the Olympic games,
this
 author still thinks that money used for them is
such
 a waste as it can be spent on alleviating the worries about how healthcare amenities are allocated in remote places.
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task achievement
Ensure all main points are well-supported with detailed examples or explanations. The point about increasing agreements after the Olympics could use more concrete evidence.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs and within arguments to enhance the logical flow of ideas. For example, adding more cohesive devices could create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with minor grammatical and lexical issues to raise the clarity and precision of your ideas. Phrases such as 'resulting in the circumstance' could be made clearer with simpler vocabulary like 'leading to the situation.'
task achievement
The essay clearly discusses both views presented in the prompt and gives a well-stated opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a general overview of the essay's arguments.
task achievement
Relevant examples are given to support both the positive and negative sides of holding the Olympics.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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