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Band 3

Some people say that money is the major source of happiness do you agree or disagree

#people #money #source #happiness
The saying some
people
 believe that
money
 is the major source of
happiness
 into my opinion I totally disagree with
this
 statement because you can see many
real world
Add a hyphen
real-world
show examples
 examples as the first example lets think about politicians,
bussisnessman
Correct your spelling
businessman
businessmen
 they all out got for their work with the bodyguards they don’t have their freedom even. Think about the
poverty
people
they
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have problems but their lives are very happy because of the relationships they have. Yeah. We know
money
 can certainly provide comfort and convenience but it
cant
Correct your spelling
can't
show examples
 buy
happiness
such
 as love, friendships or inner peace. A person can be financially good but still
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
show examples
loneliness
Replace the word
lonely
show examples
,
unfulfilled
Correct word choice
and unfulfilled
show examples
 with their relationships. True
happiness
 connects with meaningful connections,
a
Correct word choice
and a
show examples
sense of purpose but none can be purchased with
money
 As the second example, even
poverty
people
 have financial issues but they
are staying
Wrong verb form
stay
show examples
 mentally
happily
Change the word
happy
show examples
they
Correct word choice
because they
show examples
 have their freedom. They don’t keep anything hidden in their mind, they all are
open minded
Add a hyphen
open-minded
show examples
. If we go to a place where
poverty
people
 live with all of their families we will be able to see their commitments, relationships and all. Their friendships their bonds
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are extremely powerful.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion
poverty
people
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a major role in staying
happily
Replace the word
happy
show examples
 compared to rich
people
 so I conclude
money
 cant buy
happiness
 .
Submitted by komoshwickramasinghe2005 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on developing the logical structure of your essay. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly from one idea to the next and that your main points are clearly connected.
introduction conclusion present
Introduction should be more engaging and clearly state your stance on the topic. Conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points.
supported main points
Each point in your essay should be more comprehensively supported with relevant examples or explanations.
complete response
Although you cover the task, your response could be more complete with more developed ideas. Avoid generalizations and include more specific examples or details.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are somewhat clear, but ensure they are expressed comprehensively. Take care to fully explain how your examples support your points.
relevant specific examples
Relevant, specific examples can strengthen your arguments. Make sure each example directly supports your point.
clear comprehensive ideas
Check grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure for greater clarity and coherence. Try to avoid run-on sentences.
task response
You have expressed your opinion clearly, which is crucial for this task.
supported main points
You have attempted to provide real-world examples to support your points, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
task response
Your essay shows that you understand the importance of non-material aspects of happiness, such as relationships and freedom.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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