IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that a good way to reduce crime is to have longer sentences. While others think that are alternatives to this problem. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #crime #sentences #alternatives
There is an intensive debate about how the best method to decrease offences.
However
, a
lot
 of individuals are proposing that the guilty persons must take strong punishments
while
 others are going towards creating a substantial way. In
this
 essay, l will discuss both perspectives
as well as
 opinions' given in the end. On one hand, the reasons for the first group are perfect sentences
required
Add a missing verb
are required
show examples
 because they
make
Verb problem
limit
show examples
crimes
 committed
are limiting
Verb problem
,
show examples
 and
people
 are scared of
punishment
.
Moreover
, when
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person commits
crimes
 and he punished he ought to hold other
people
 to think more before
going to commit
Wrong verb form
committing
show examples
crimes
.
For instance
, in the world today there are a
lot
 of serious offences
such
 as killing, stealing...etc.
in addition
, these serious conditions require a strong
punishment
.
Furthermore
,
people
 by nature are trying to avoid a bad destiny, so by imposing these sentences, the proportion of
crimes
 will be reduced automatically.
On the other hand
, another gathering believes that the traditional ways of combating
crimes
 are not sufficient, for
this
, we need to create a new type for reducing
crimes
Change the noun form
crime
show examples
 numbers.
For example
, governmental institutions and civilian organisations must create programs on the various media to advise
people
. Indeed, the guilty' persons who do not commit a dangerous crime should join in the process that leads them to be good persons in society rather than punishing them.
Also
,
this
 group says that the system of
punishment
 has been applied for a long time and a
lot
 of
people
 still commit
crimes
, for
this
 we need to follow a new system.
To conclude
,
although
 a
lot
 of scholars claim to apply another way to punish
people
, another believes that the old system is the best. I agree with the first opinion because the
punishment
 is necessary for the universal' safety.
Submitted by mohammedelhassan811 on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on developing a clearer structure for your essay, starting with a strong introduction, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a single idea, and conclude with a summary of your argument. This will enhance the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that each paragraph directly addresses the essay question, clearly delineating your discussion of each view and your own opinion. Make each paragraph's main idea distinct and support it with relevant examples or explanations.
task achievement
Work on varying your sentence structure and avoiding grammatical errors to enhance clarity and readability. Employing a wider range of vocabulary appropriate to the topic will also help convey your ideas more effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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