IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People believe that a number of children invest their time in using smartphones for hours in their daily basis. From my perspective, I strongly agree this will bring lots of negative development to children.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People believe that a number of
children
Use synonyms
 invest their time in using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for hours
Change preposition
on
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 daily basis. From my perspective, I strongly agree
this
Linking Words
 will bring lots of negative development to
children
Use synonyms
. A school of thought hold that technologies
such
Linking Words
 as modern computers and mobile phones can have many advantages to
children
Use synonyms
 if they use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 in the right way. One of the main upsides of spending hours using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is that it can not only help
children
Use synonyms
 to develop the ability to access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mordern
Correct your spelling
modern
 technologies but it
also
Linking Words
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them to improve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 ability to search for
information
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
children
Use synonyms
 are not
satistfied
Correct your spelling
satisfied
 with
lessons
Correct article usage
the lessons
show examples
 provided in school, they can
looking
Change the verb form
look
be looking
show examples
 for more
information
Use synonyms
 to enlarge their knowledge
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 reading e-books,
newspapers
Correct word choice
and newspapers
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 so much time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in a day
also
Linking Words
 has many negative
aspect
Change to a plural noun
aspects
show examples
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
. One of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 major drawbacks is there are several
Use synonyms
information
Change preposition
of information
show examples
 on the Internet nowadays, unless
children
Use synonyms
 have enough awareness to select suitable
information
Use synonyms
, they may be affected by bad things on the Internet.
For example
Linking Words
, there are several
type
Change to a plural noun
types
show examples
 of games on
electronic
Add an article
the electronic
show examples
 market, some of
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may contain a great deal of violence,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can increase
aggressive
Correct article usage
the aggressive
show examples
 feelings and behaviors of
children
Use synonyms
. A
further
Linking Words
 downside
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 just focus on using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for surfing social networks or playing video games, they may forget their duties and studies.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they will find that happiness from games is more important than knowledge in school and
this
Linking Words
 can lead to the growth of dropout rate. In conclusion, spending hours using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can help
children
Use synonyms
 improve
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
certain skills,
however
Linking Words
, parents should control
Use synonyms
information
Correct article usage
the information
show examples
 which their
children
Use synonyms
 access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
on the Internet and set
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 limit
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 using
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents should encourage their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to
enagage
Correct your spelling
engage
 in more activities outdoors.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Clarity
Ensure clarity in your ideas by avoiding repetitive phrases and redundant statements. For instance, you can shorten 'children spend so much time on smartphones in a day also has many negative aspect also' to 'children spending excessive time on smartphones has many negative aspects.'
Grammar
Make sure to carefully proofread your work for spelling and grammatical errors. For example, the word 'mordern' should be 'modern' and 'satistfied' should be 'satisfied.'
Vocabulary
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the sophistication of your essay. Instead of just saying 'bad things on the Internet,' you could say 'inappropriate or harmful content on the Internet.'
Structure
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which provide a clear structure to your argument.
Examples
You provided relevant and specific examples, such as the impact of violent video games on children's behavior.
Balance
You presented a balanced view by acknowledging possible benefits of smartphone usage while focusing on the negative aspects.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: