IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

MANY PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR THE ELDERLY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LOOK AFTER THEM. WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS RELATED TO THIS? WHAT ARE SOME POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS?

#people #care #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
THERE IS A CONTROVERSIAL DISCUSSION THAT THOSE WHO LOOK AFTER SENIOR RESIDENTS LACK
TIME
 TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
THIS
 WRITER THINKS THAT
THIS
 PROBLEM CAN CAUSE NUMEROUS ISSUES WHICH CAN BE SOLVED BY RAISING FUNDS AND CHARITY WORKS. IT IS CRUCIAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PEOPLE CAN EASILY GET SICK IF THEIR BODIES DO NOT TAKE ENOUGH REST
TIME
.
IN OTHER WORDS
, ELDERLY
CARERS
 SHOULD SPEND MOST OF THEIR
TIME
 WITH AGED CITIZENS AND THEY USUALLY GET HOME QUITE LATE.
AS A CONSEQUENCE
, THEY BECOME INCREASINGLY VULNERABLE SINCE THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEMS HAVE BEEN WEAKER. ANOTHER PROBLEM WORTH MENTIONING IS THAT AFTER
A
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
SEVERAL DAYS OF WORKING TIRELESSLY, CARER’S MENTALITY ARE AT A LIMIT.
THEREFORE
, SOME NEUTRAL INSTABILITIES COULD OCCUR AND DISTURB THEIR JOB FLUENCY.
IN ADDITION
, THOSE MENTAL PROBLEMS NEED LOTS OF
TIME
 TO BE CURED.
CONSEQUENTLY
,
CARERS
 SHOULD SPEND MORE
TIME
 TO SOLVE THOSE PROBLEMS WHICH THEY ALREADY DO AND CONTINUOUSLY WORK WITH HIGHER FLUENCY.
HOWEVER
, THERE IS A POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR THOSE TWO PHENOMENA BY INVESTING MORE FUNDS FOR
CARERS
. TO ELABORATE,
GOVERNMENT
Correct article usage
THE GOVERNMENT
show examples
 CAN ALLEVIATE THE FINANCIAL BURDEN FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO TAKE CARE OF THE ELDERLY WHICH IS A LACKING ELEMENT FOR THEIR RELAXATION.
AS A RESULT
,
CARERS
 CAN MITIGATE THE STATUS OF GETTING MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ILLNESS.
TO SUM UP
, THOSE WHOSE JOBS ARE LOOKING AFTER OLD PEOPLE WOULD SUFFER TONS OF STRESS AND SICKNESS WITHOUT TAKING ENOUGH
TIME
 TO REST.
NEVERTHELESS
, THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD SPEND MONEY IN ORDER TO ASSESS THOSE WORKERS’ HEALTH.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your task response is fairly good. You have addressed the issue and provided some solutions, but specific examples and more detailed elaboration would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured and easy to follow, some points seem repetitive. Try to make each paragraph distinct in focus and avoid redundancy.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your sentences have clear grammatical structure. There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that may confuse the reader.
introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and a concise conclusion, which effectively summarize the key points discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • burnout
  • neglect
  • emotional distress
  • social interaction
  • mental stimulation
  • financial costs
  • community care services
  • respite care
  • telehealth services
  • flexible work arrangements
  • caregiver leave policies
  • support networks
  • emotional support
  • monitoring systems
  • training programs
  • interpersonal strain
What to do next:
Look at other essays: