IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
It is an acknowledged fact that there
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 excessive
consumption
Change to a plural noun
consumptions
show examples
 of
junk
 items which can constitute detrimental impacts on human health. One supposes that
education
 can work as an orientation to give healthier
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 to
people
while
 there are many controversial opinions
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the effectiveness by dint of educating
people
. Though there is no doubt about the conducive contribution of
education
, I
argues
Change the verb form
argue
show examples
 that it is insufficient without the support of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
Initially
,
people
 use fast
food
 out of control
as a consequence
 of their insufficient consciousness in terms of healthy diets so informing the harmful essences of them may be useful. Utilizing the spread of social media or conducting educational campaigns
of keeping
Change preposition
to keep
show examples
 healthy, even at school, teachers can get the harm of them across to student's awareness, letting
education
 as a catalyst which can reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
food
 consumption.
For instance
, the risks of
junk
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
results
Correct subject-verb agreement
result
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
American life namely obesity, heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 and so forth because residents just know the immediate benefits but do not think thoroughly about the future repercussions.
Thus
,
education
 helps human health better, not worse.
Nevertheless
,
education
 cannot work alone. Obviously, there is no point in boycotting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
food
 by educating
due to
 the apathetic attitudes, especially when individuals have opportunities to approach the holistic
education
 of healthy
food
.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
people
 get
junk
 items because of their affordability
while
 busy ones get them
as a result
 of their convenience without regarding their sanitation.
Moreover
,
junk
food
 firms will make their products appealing that’s because fast
food
 chains and
food
 purveyors will not accept
to lose
Change the verb form
losing
show examples
 profit, counteracting the endeavour of
education
. From my perspective,
this
 issue can be solved by the mandates from
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. Imposing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher excise duty
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 fast
food
 should be
given
Verb problem
done
show examples
 so as to decrease the number of
junk
food
 consumers as a typical example of Dubai.
Additionally
, the authorities should tighten the amount of nutrition
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 manufacturing
food
 harshly, producing them healthier. In conclusion, it is unwise to underestimate the vital role
education
 plays in human awareness.
In other words
,
education
 works as a fundamental factor
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 maintaining
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthier lifestyle,
however
, it does not have a profound impact on
people
 without the combination of government.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers both perspectives of the issue and provides a clear opinion. However, there are moments when the sentences are difficult to follow due to awkward phrasing or unclear connections between ideas. For example, "the poor people get junk items because of their affordability while busy ones get them as a result of their convenience without regarding their sanitation." Try to clarify and streamline such sentences for easier comprehension.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is sufficiently supported with relevant examples or explanations. In some instances, points were mentioned without deeper exploration or clear connection to the argument. Providing more detailed examples or elaborations can strengthen your arguments. For instance, elaborating on how education campaigns at schools can be conducted would give more depth to your point.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to transitions and the flow of the essay. While the structure is logical, some sections could benefit from better connectors to improve readability. Linking words and phrases can help to make your argument flow more smoothly from one idea to the next.
task response
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and effectively discusses both views as required by the task.
task response
A strong effort is made to support the main points with examples, such as the example relating to American obesity and heart diseases.
structure
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion and provide a clear stance on the issue.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is logical, with clear paragraphs dedicated to each aspect of the argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: