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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the relative electricity consumption and cost per year of various household devices. Write a 150-word report for a university lecturer explaining the data and making comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the relative electricity consumption and cost per year of various household devices. Write a 150-word report for a university lecturer explaining the data and making comparisons where relevant.
#bar #electricity #consumption #cost #year #household #devices #report #university #lecturer #data #comparisons
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The bar chart introduces
energy
Use synonyms
 usage(
kwh
Use synonyms
/
year
Use synonyms
) and
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 expenses per
year
Use synonyms
(in
dollars
Use synonyms
) of numerous technology
devices
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, Spa workers and users
uses
Change the verb form
use
show examples
 electrical
devices
Use synonyms
 more than any other arrangement.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the least consumed
energy
Use synonyms
belong
Change the verb form
belongs
show examples
 to the Electric Blankets. Making deeper research,
eletctric
Correct your spelling
electric
 blankets, microwave
oven
Fix the agreement mistake
ovens
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 and
televison
Correct your spelling
television
 appliance uses no more than 250
Use synonyms
kwh
Correct your spelling
kWh
kW
 and about 15
dollars
Use synonyms
 per
year
Use synonyms
 . Despite
this
Linking Words
, each other everyday mechanisms
expends
Verb problem
spend
show examples
approxiametly
Correct your spelling
approximately
1000
Use synonyms
kwh
Correct your spelling
kWh
 and 83
dollars
Use synonyms
 per
year
Use synonyms
 .
Although
Linking Words
, Pool Pump consumes 125 $ and 1500
Use synonyms
kwh
Correct your spelling
kWh
 per
year
Use synonyms
 .
While
Linking Words
 its following, spa technology appliance - pump and heater- uses more than 2000
Use synonyms
kwh
Correct your spelling
kWh
 and over 180 $ per
year
Use synonyms
. In summary, the bar chart illustrates the
energy
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 usage (
kWh
Use synonyms
/
year
Use synonyms
) and corresponding expenses (in
dollars
Use synonyms
) of various technology
devices
Use synonyms
. Among all the arrangements, spa workers and users utilize electrical
devices
Use synonyms
 the most,
while
Linking Words
 electric blankets consume the least amount of
energy
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rashadyus10 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, kwh, year, dollars, devices with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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