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Band 4

Some people believe that schools should teach students how to fight and physically defend themselves while others think it causes many problems for the youth. what is your opinion?

#people #schools #students #fight #youth
while
 a group of people think is better to
children
 learn how to fight back in schools and keep themselves in every fight another group does not believe that,
also
 they think learning them to battle has a lot of bad effects on them I agree with the second group and I think it can be harmful to them in some ways.
Children
 ages 7 to 14 are in the most important years of their growth and everything they learn has an effect on their activity when they are adults. The educational system is so necessary for
children
 to behave they are blank canvases and
this
 system is painting on them. Everything they learn in these years can make their personality in their future, so if they learn how to fight in these times of their soul it may happen in their reality growth many years after. There is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Cambdrige
Correct your spelling
Cambridge
 University in England and the researchers find that
children
 who were growing
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 friendly places have bigger
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 than the
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 who
were growing
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
 up in war areas. Giving them a mindset of
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
 situation can shut their eyes to another thing. If we tell them always have to wait for an attack would fix their mind in insecurity and
this
 make them anxious for all of their lifetime. There is a fact that our mindset makes our opportunity of activity and if they always wanted to
be survive
Change the verb form
survive
show examples
 when they are going to enjoy of their growth. So making them perception of saving themselves can`t help them. So eventually I believe as I said there is no need to prepare
children
 for stressful
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
, we have to let them be happy with their
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 and teach them how can find friends more.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Your essay does present a clear position on the topic, arguing against teaching children to physically defend themselves in schools. However, the specific examples given are not sufficiently developed or relevant. For instance, the reference to research from Cambridge University lacks specific details and direct relevance to the topic. Make sure to provide more specific, detailed, and relevant examples to better support your argument.
coherence cohesion
While you have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, your essay's logical structure needs improvement. Some sentences are unclear, and ideas are somewhat disjointed. Work on improving the logical flow between ideas and ensure each paragraph supports your main argument coherently.
coherence cohesion
Transition between ideas and paragraphs can be smoother. For instance, use linking words and phrases to clearly indicate how one idea leads to another. Improve the organization of your essay to create a more cohesive and coherent argument.
general
Ensure grammatical accuracy and vary your vocabulary to improve clarity. Some sentences are difficult to understand due to grammatical errors. Additionally, be cautious with spelling errors (e.g., 'Cambdrige'). Work on improving sentence structure and clarity of expression.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the given topic, which is essential for a solid essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a structured format with introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a good approach.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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