IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #athletes #role #models #don’t
there is a debate that The debate over whether professional
athletes
 make good
role
models
 for young
people
 is a complex and nuanced one, with valid arguments on both sides. On the one hand, proponents argue that
athletes
 can serve as positive
role
models
 for youth. Many professional
athletes
 demonstrate dedication, hard work, and perseverance in their pursuit of excellence in their respective sports. They often overcome obstacles and setbacks, teaching valuable lessons about resilience and determination.
Moreover
,
athletes
 frequently engage in charitable activities and community service, using their platform to make a positive impact on society. By showcasing qualities
such
 as discipline, teamwork, and sportsmanship, they can inspire young
people
 to adopt similar values in their own lives.
On the other hand
, there are valid concerns about the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of some professional
athletes
 and whether they are suitable
role
models
 for young
people
. Instances of
athletes
 engaging in unethical or illegal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
,
such
 as substance abuse, violence, or cheating scandals, can send harmful messages to impressionable minds. The glorification of materialism and celebrity culture within professional sports can
also
 promote superficial values that may not align with healthy personal development.
Additionally
, the pressure to win at all costs can sometimes lead
athletes
 to compromise their integrity, setting a poor example for young fans. In my opinion, whether professional
athletes
 make good
role
models
 for young
people
 depends on the individual athlete and their conduct both on and off the field.
While
 many
athletes
 exemplify admirable qualities that can inspire and motivate, others may fall short of the standards expected of
role
models
. It's essential for parents, educators, and other influential figures in young
people
's lives to encourage critical thinking and discernment when it comes to idolizing
athletes
. Rather than blindly idolizing
athletes
 based solely on their athletic achievements, young
people
 should be encouraged to evaluate the character and values demonstrated by these individuals. Ultimately, the responsibility lies not only with
athletes
 themselves but with the broader community to guide and support young
people
 in their quest for positive
role
models
.
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task achievement
Your essay does an excellent job addressing both sides of the debate and providing a well-rounded view. To enhance your task response, you could include a specific example or case study of an athlete who has either positively or negatively influenced young people.
task achievement
In your conclusion, restate the main points more explicitly to reinforce your argument. This will strengthen your response and leave a lasting impression.
coherence cohesion
Add transition words to further improve the flow of your essay. Words like 'additionally', 'furthermore', and 'on the contrary' can make your points connect more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Consider breaking down larger paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and focus.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in overall coherence.
task achievement
You provide a balanced discussion of both views and effectively share your own opinion, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and clearly articulated, demonstrating coherence in your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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