Children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
The majority of people think that technological
investions
, Correct your spelling
inventions
investors
such
as mobile phone
are making Fix the agreement mistake
phones
children
spend all day
on it
. Personally, I think it Correct pronoun usage
them
have
Change the verb form
has
a negative effects
on Correct the article-noun agreement
a negative effect
negative effects
children
may
lead to bad Correct word choice
and may
outcome
.
Under the influence of technology development, the widespread Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
of
adoption of Change preposition
apply
mobilephone
with internet access offered many Correct your spelling
mobile phone
mobile phones
convenience
in our Change to a plural noun
conveniences
life
. Because of the advantages of Fix the agreement mistake
lives
technologic
gadgets, Replace the word
technological
children
depend on Add an article
the internet
internet
to solve their Capitalize word
Internet
problem
. Fix the agreement mistake
problems
For example
, when theyhave
difficult assignment homework, they will research the result in the cyber network but not Correct your spelling
they have
thinking
to do it. Wrong verb form
think
Moreover
, smartphones are handy and store a lot of recreational app
for Change to a plural noun
apps
children
entertain
themselves after Fix the infinitive
to entertain
long
Add an article
a long
day
studying
. After learning all Change preposition
of studying
day
in school so they always spend an hours
in the evening on their smartphones.
Correct the article-noun agreement
hours
an hour
On the other hand
, children
are addicted to mobile phone
leading to Fix the agreement mistake
phones
have
a drawback Unnecessary verb
apply
on
them. Unfortunately, these devices Change preposition
for
has
caused Change the verb form
have
children
to spend hours and distanced themselves from real-life connections. Moreover
, their virtual connections often lack the emotional depth of face-to-face converstations
. Correct your spelling
conversations
For instance
, they are very shy, Correct word choice
and advoid
advoid
communicating and Correct your spelling
avoid
agruing
in real life but Correct your spelling
arguing
in
Change preposition
on
the
social platforms they use profanity word confidently to Correct article usage
apply
combat
. Another point Correct pronoun usage
combat this
is
considered is that Correct pronoun usage
that is
children
hook on the gaming app for long
time Add an article
a long
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
cause
harm to their healthChange the verb form
causes
so much
. Rephrase
apply
Additionally
, you will die if you play game
on Fix the agreement mistake
games
smartphone
all Correct pronoun usage
your smartphone
day
.
In conclusion, depending on the purpose of use
mobile Change the verb form
using
phone
that have a different effect on Fix the agreement mistake
phones
children
. In my opinion, I still think mobile phone
have a negative effect because Fix the agreement mistake
phones
children
can not manage themselve
.Correct your spelling
themselves
Submitted by [email protected] on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a response to the task. However, the response could be more complete with additional examples and detailed discussion in certain areas. For instance, while you mention the convenience of smartphones, explaining how they impact time management or social skills would provide a more comprehensive argument.
task achievement
Try to ensure your essay ideas and examples are clearly presented and explained. For example, discussing not only that children use smartphones for entertainment but also offering specific ways it influences their development (both positively and negatively) would enhance clarity.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and varied examples to illustrate your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing. The essay can benefit from discussing real-life studies or expert opinions on the effects of smartphone usage on children.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good, but there are areas that could be better organized. Make sure each paragraph contains a single main idea and that ideas flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Avoid abrupt transitions or unrelated points within the same paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is clear but could be strengthened by summarizing the main points of the essay. This will help reinforce your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are well-supported with clear reasoning and examples. For instance, explaining specifically why smartphone addiction leads to shyness or poor communication skills can make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid structure.
task achievement
You've identified both the advantages and disadvantages of smartphone usage, showing a balanced approach.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite