Children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The majority of people think that technological
investions
Correct your spelling
inventions
investors
,
such
as mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
are making
children
spend all
day
on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Personally, I think it
have
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has
show examples
a negative effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a negative effect
negative effects
show examples
on
children
may
Correct word choice
and may
show examples
lead to bad
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
. Under the influence of technology development, the widespread
of
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apply
show examples
adoption of
mobilephone
Correct your spelling
mobile phone
mobile phones
with internet access offered many
convenience
Change to a plural noun
conveniences
show examples
in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Because of the advantages of
technologic
Replace the word
technological
show examples
gadgets,
children
depend on
Add an article
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
to solve their
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
For example
, when
theyhave
Correct your spelling
they have
difficult assignment homework, they will research the result in the cyber network but not
thinking
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
to do it.
Moreover
, smartphones are handy and store a lot of recreational
app
Change to a plural noun
apps
show examples
for
children
entertain
Fix the infinitive
to entertain
show examples
themselves after
long
Add an article
a long
show examples
day
studying
Change preposition
of studying
show examples
. After learning all
day
in school so they always spend
an hours
Correct the article-noun agreement
hours
an hour
show examples
in the evening on their smartphones.
On the other hand
,
children
are addicted to mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
leading to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a drawback
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
them. Unfortunately, these devices
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
caused
children
to spend hours and distanced themselves from real-life connections.
Moreover
, their virtual connections often lack the emotional depth of face-to-face
converstations
Correct your spelling
conversations
.
For instance
, they are very shy,
Correct word choice
and advoid
show examples
advoid
Correct your spelling
avoid
communicating and
agruing
Correct your spelling
arguing
in real life but
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social platforms they use profanity word confidently to
combat
Correct pronoun usage
combat this
show examples
. Another point
is
Correct pronoun usage
that is
show examples
considered is that
children
hook on the gaming app for
long
Add an article
a long
show examples
time
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
harm to their health
so much
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Additionally
, you will die if you play
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
on
smartphone
Correct pronoun usage
your smartphone
show examples
all
day
. In conclusion, depending on the purpose of
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
that have a different effect on
children
. In my opinion, I still think mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
have a negative effect because
children
can not manage
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a response to the task. However, the response could be more complete with additional examples and detailed discussion in certain areas. For instance, while you mention the convenience of smartphones, explaining how they impact time management or social skills would provide a more comprehensive argument.
task achievement
Try to ensure your essay ideas and examples are clearly presented and explained. For example, discussing not only that children use smartphones for entertainment but also offering specific ways it influences their development (both positively and negatively) would enhance clarity.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and varied examples to illustrate your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing. The essay can benefit from discussing real-life studies or expert opinions on the effects of smartphone usage on children.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good, but there are areas that could be better organized. Make sure each paragraph contains a single main idea and that ideas flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Avoid abrupt transitions or unrelated points within the same paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is clear but could be strengthened by summarizing the main points of the essay. This will help reinforce your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are well-supported with clear reasoning and examples. For instance, explaining specifically why smartphone addiction leads to shyness or poor communication skills can make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid structure.
task achievement
You've identified both the advantages and disadvantages of smartphone usage, showing a balanced approach.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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