IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

đź“ť It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education.

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Responsibility most important thing for all students and they should learn the subject and have good
behaviour
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 at
school
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 or in educational places I believe that the family is the best place to teach
children
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 good manners
as well as
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 the education system can aid them.
Firstly
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,
children
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 could learn good
behaviour
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 from family
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 their father and mother. When
childrenare
Correct your spelling
children are
 8or 9 months they will start learning
behaviour
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as well
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as
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and
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 if the
children
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's
parents
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 have good
up-brings
Correct your spelling
upbringing
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, the
children
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 have
possibility
Add an article
the possibility
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 of getting satisfactory
synpathy
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sympathy
.
For example
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 ,
children
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's brains or memory copy what their
parents
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 do . If
parents
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 have more responsibility for the family and what they do again young can optimize their
brain
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brains
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. During
youngest
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the youngest
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 grow up they should need
amazing
Correct article usage
an amazing
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 and interesting
time
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 for
well
Change the adverb
good
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 manners.
There
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Their
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parents
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 help most importantly their
children
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 and
then
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 depend on the street conditions or how
school
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behaviour
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.
On the other hand
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 , schools are
also
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 forced to help.
Also
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 helping teachers at
school
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 is very important in Uzbekistan and many
parents
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 say that
school
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 is a second home for adults and the youngest. Because
school
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 students spend most of their
time
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 at
school
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, from when they learn letters to when they step into big life, and
this
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time
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 is an important
time
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 in a person's life,
that is
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 why
school
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also
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 has its important for
children
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 to be well-behaved. As if thier second family. In conclusion,
school
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 and family are both important for a child's
behaviour
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 and, most importantly, good
behaviour
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.
However
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,
parents
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 responsibility more
than
Correct word choice
responsible than
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 teachers

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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer, more organized structure. Work on using paragraphs to separate different points and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction touches on the topic, it would be stronger if you explicitly state your thesis. For example, you could specify that you believe both families and schools share the responsibility of teaching good behavior, but with an emphasis on the family's role.
task achievement
In your main points, try to provide more specific examples or evidence that support your arguments. For instance, personal anecdotes, statistics, or references to studies could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph in your essay has a clear main idea and that you develop each idea fully before moving on to the next. This helps the reader understand your points and follow your line of reasoning.
task achievement
You provide a clear point of view, emphasizing the role of both families and schools.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points.
task achievement
Your writing demonstrates an understanding of the necessity of teaching both formal education and good behavior.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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