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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

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Currently,
children
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 are undergoing various types of stress. From the writer’s perspective, the root causes for
this
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 are
due to
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 not only high parental expectations but
also
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 the rapid developments of Artificial Intelligence,yet it can be tackled by having serious family conversations
in
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apply
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regular
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regularly
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. To commence with, the primary reason for a rise in
children
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’s pressures is the responsibility for living up to the desire of
parents
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.
In other words
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, because people who are fathers or mothers could not acquire their goals when they were young, individuals literally long
their
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for their
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 offspring to obtain these aims.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is
also
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since
Correct word choice
because
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parents
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 want their
children
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 to enter high-quality environments
such
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 as reputable schools that can enhance their employment opportunities in the future.
As a result
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,
children
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 have to satisfy their
parents
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undersiably
Correct your spelling
undeniably
, especially those who do not have enough abilities to do as their
parents
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 require.
Furthermore
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, another cause for the overwhelm of current
children
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 can be attributed to the significant developments of AI. To be more specific, as AI nowadays appears in almost all aspects of human life, predominantly in occupations,
children
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 are likely to encounter the risk of unemployment.
For instance
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, 13% of Japanese vehicle companies in 2020
also
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 fired 30000 blue-collar workers and hired many technical robots to manufacture cars,
this
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 practice
also
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 had negative impacts on employment opportunities for both adults and future generations.
However
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, offspring’s pressures can be reduced by increasing gatherings in the families. The most effective way is for
parents
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 to confide in their
children
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 to comprehend more about their inner world .
Consequently
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, offspring can gain their parent’s sympathy for lives
as well as
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 acquire experience in future careers, learning how to avoid the power of AI in work. Take Vietnam as an example here, where 66% of
parents
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 in 2019 had several conversations with their
children
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 every week and it helped 25% of teenagers navigate the pressures of academic expectations and uncertainties about the job market influenced by AI. In conclusion, the increase in overwhelm of offspring stems from the high desire of
parents
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 and the considerable growth of AI.
Nevertheless
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, having
coversations
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conversations
 usually on a daily basis will improve
this
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 problem.

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task response
You have addressed the prompt with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there could be more depth in discussing the measures to reduce pressures on children. Expanding on the solutions and providing a variety of them would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
There are some areas in your essay where the connection between sentences and paragraphs could be improved. For example, using more cohesive devices and transitional phrases would enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in understanding your argument better.
task response
The examples given, such as those from Japan and Vietnam, help in illustrating your points and make your essay more convincing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic pressure
  • globalized world
  • competitive education system
  • social media influences
  • cyberbullying
  • commercial pressures
  • aggressive marketing
  • materialistic desires
  • peer pressure
  • high expectations
  • standardized testing
  • quantifiable performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • extracurricular achievements
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