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Band 5.5

When asked to choose between a life without work and working most of the time, people would always choose not to work. Do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

#life #work #time #people
Whether choosing an occupied life is a highly controversial discussion point.
This
 writer agrees that most
people
 will choose an unoccupied life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they will have more
time
 for developing themselves and their family. It must be noticed that by not working full-
time
,
people
 can spend more
time
 to improve themselves.
This
 is because, when
people
 are not stranded by the working schedule that most individuals who mostly work have, they will not have to worry much about what they must do. Simultaneously, they will have more
time
 to focus on themselves to explore their inner selves.
As a result
, these individuals will be able to see their
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
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 and weaknesses so that they can develop and fix
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 become a better version of themselves.
Thus
,
people
’s personalities will be able to strive by not working all the
time
. Another aspect to consider when being unoccupied is the
time
people
had
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 with their family
is increased
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. When
people
 have a job, they have the responsibility of completing the task given by their manager in order to make a living by their deadline, regardless of the duration and the volume of the work required to do.
Consequently
,
people
 will have to spend their day completing the job,
whereas
 the
time
 for their family is gone.
Therefore
, by being jobless, individuals will not have to
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 too much about their work but
instead
, they can spend more of their precious
time
 with their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones.
For example
, children who are not working can have more valuable moments with their parents. In conclusion, by not having a job,
people
 would be able to have more
time
 to create their better selves and for their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones.
Hence
,
this
 author strongly
agree
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
 that
people
 would definitely choose to become unemployed.
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task response
Your essay effectively addresses the task and provides relevant arguments for the chosen stance. However, ensure that your examples are specific and varied to enrich your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with clear main points and supporting details. However, you can aim for smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance readability.
task response
You provide clear and comprehensive ideas with relevant examples that support your main arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an organized structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • personal interests
  • social isolation
  • structured daily routine
  • sense of purpose
  • achievement
  • boredom
  • overworking
  • burnout
  • hobbies
  • family time
  • work pressures
  • stress
  • health issues
  • social interactions
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