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Band 5

When asked to choose between a lfe without work and working most of the time, people would always choose not to work. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#lfe #work #time #people
A debatable argument
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
individuals
 want to have a
life
 without working or working all the
time
, an abundance of
folks
choese
Correct your spelling
choose
chose
 the first opinion. The author of
this
 essay holds a belief that a majority of
individuals
 would rather have a
life
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working all the
time
due to
 the feeling of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 and finding
people
 who have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 interests. It is acknowledged that
folks
 prefer to work because it
satisfy
Change the verb form
satisfies
show examples
 their feeling of
fulfillment
.
This
 is because working has always been a matter of
life
, without it,
individuals
 will have no motivation and no goal in their
life
. By spending most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working,
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 will be motivated by
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 surrounding them, find their goals and achieve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. On the ground, it will bring joy and
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 to
folks
 and
also
 they have chances to enhance their skills and knowledge. Take Japan as
example
Add an article
an example
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, the elderly love going to work because they say that it is more exciting than staying at home doing nothing. It is evident that connecting with the community is one of the
result
Change to a plural noun
results
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 of having a
life
 full of
working
Change the form of the verb
work
show examples
.
This
 allows
folks
 to build relationships with one another and they may find
people
 who have identical interests.
As a result
, bonds between
people
 will be strengthened and
individuals
 have chances to interact with different kinds of
people
.
For example
, workers in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same company may find out that they have several in
commons
Fix the agreement mistake
common
show examples
.
Therefore
, employees can go to a festival or a game event together and create memorable moments with each other. All in all, a majority of
folks
 prefer working all the
time
 to not doing it.
This
 happens because working brings
individuals
 joy and
fulfillment
 and they are capable of meeting others who have the same hobbies.
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task achievement
The essay needs a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline the main points of discussion. This would help in better task achievement.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on arguments with additional, varied examples and more detailed explanations to support your viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that transitional phrases guide the reader smoothly from one argument to the next.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structuring to reduce grammatical errors, and improve the clarity and precision of language used.
task achievement
The essay presents a well-defined point of view and makes a reasonable argument.
coherence cohesion
The writer offers relevant examples, such as the case of elderly workers in Japan and coworkers finding common interests; these examples help to develop the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making the structure evident.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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