IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that organizations would benefit more from young managers than from older one. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #organizations #managers
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In the modern era, it is common to believe that young
managers
Use synonyms
 can do a much better job than the old ones in terms of the beneficial impacts on corporations.
This
Linking Words
 writer disagrees with
this
Linking Words
 because of the youngsters' lack of experience and stress.
To begin
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 with, it is crucial to understand that freshmen are inexperienced. Many of these new
managers
Use synonyms
 have just probably been through some training managing programs which provide individuals with the theoretical lessons to operate a business.
However
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, they do not have enough years at work to build up the required knowledge and essential skills to run a whole company;
therefore
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, making mistakes is inevitable.
As a result
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, these organizations will witness losses and potentially lead to bankruptcy.
Furthermore
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, it
also
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 can be acknowledged that the youth
managers
Use synonyms
 are coping well with the amount of stress gained at the workplace. Because managing is an extremely difficult job and it requires strong mental health to function a large groups of people, young are not well-prepared to cope with
such
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 a mental health-demanding job.
As a consequence
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, they will suffer from anxiety or depression since they have to look for a strategy to control
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 company.
For instance
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, it can be seen in Japan that there was a rise in the number of youth
managers
Use synonyms
 suffering from mental health issues
due to
Linking Words
 the hustle and bustle of the workplace. In conclusion, young
managers
Use synonyms
 can be inexperienced and easily feel stressed when working.
Hence
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,
this
Linking Words
 essay has given clear points to demonstrate the author's disagreement with the statement that young
managers
Use synonyms
 contribute more than the old ones to the company's growth.
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task achievement
Your response to the task is clear and comprehensive. However, make sure to address potential counterarguments or acknowledge the opposite viewpoint to make your essay more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs is effective, and there is a logical progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for greater clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid repetition and vary your language to keep the reader engaged. For example, use synonyms or different expressions to describe 'young managers' and 'old managers.'
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which helps in supporting your arguments and presenting a well-rounded essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples, such as the situation in Japan, which enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is coherent; the points are clearly laid out and supported, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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