IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Children
Use synonyms
 with high exposure
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 will get more negative effects than the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 technology. Personally, I do agree with the statement.
Children
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 use
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 are more likely to get behind
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their development and I will explain it more in the
next
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
following paragraphs. Many studies found that
children
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 already using
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 from
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age are prone to have speech
delay
Fix the agreement mistake
delays
show examples
. Majorities of
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as images, videos, and songs are usually not kid-friendly. Most of these contents
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
typically move really fast and have
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 sort of bright
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
 in them that are not easy for
children
Use synonyms
 to digest it.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will lead to difficulties in maintaining focus for
children
Use synonyms
 and it will be hard for them to understand basic words and conversations.
That is
Linking Words
 why many teachers and
children
Use synonyms
psychologist
Fix the agreement mistake
psychologists
show examples
 are not
reccomending
Correct your spelling
recommending
Use synonyms
computer's
Change noun form
computer
show examples
 usage for
children
Use synonyms
, especially
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 that are using
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 regularly will
also
Linking Words
 have problems in their
motoric
Correct your spelling
motor
show examples
 or physical sense. Using
Use synonyms
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 is a passive activity and mostly only
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 their eyes and
finger
Fix the agreement mistake
fingers
show examples
 to operate it. Because of
this
Linking Words
 easiness,
children
Use synonyms
 tend to be more lazy to move and exercise their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
. When
this
Linking Words
 passivity
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 a habit, their bodies
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 weak and they will have bad posture
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 can lead to obesity. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
Computer's
Change noun form
Computer
show examples
 usage for
children
Use synonyms
 is completely not
reccomended
Correct your spelling
recommended
 because it is detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their mental and physical development,
such
Linking Words
 as low focus, speech delay, and obesity.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and provides relevant reasons. However, try to include more specific examples to support your points. This will enhance the credibility and depth of your arguments.
task achievement
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, such as 'children that use computer everyday' and 'will get more negative effects.' Try to refine these to improve the overall clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a basic logical structure, but make sure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. You can use linking words or phrases to improve coherence and make the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear main idea, but try to develop your points more fully. This can be done by providing additional explanations or examples.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your viewpoint and outlines what will be discussed in the essay. This provides a good roadmap for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay and reiterates your position. This helps reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You have identified key issues such as speech delay and physical inactivity, which are relevant and important considerations when discussing the impact of computer use on children.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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