IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Due to
Linking Words
 the fast-paced lifestyle, nowadays, there is a great tendency among
people
Use synonyms
 to consume fast
food
Use synonyms
 and manufactured drinks containing sugar, fat, and carbohydrates.
That is
Linking Words
 why, there are arguments about increasing the cost of these products, especially the ones with high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of sugar, to persuade
people
Use synonyms
 to eat more healthy
food
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, processed
food
Use synonyms
 and drink have become more common among individuals, particularly young generations, which leads to crucial
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, researchers have found that 20 per cent of depression in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society is caused by consuming sugary products more than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
usual consumption.
Besides
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the low
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 of sweet
food
Use synonyms
 and drink which are sold in
restuarants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 and shops, they have become
people
Use synonyms
’s first choice when it comes to
eat
Change the verb form
eating
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, as an efficient way to decrease the usage of sugary meals, companies have to produce and launch these products more expensive.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, as long as
people
Use synonyms
 do not understand
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the disadvantages of consuming sweet meals more than usual,
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 these products’ prices will not bring any benefits. In
this
Linking Words
 case, emphasising
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the importance of educating citizens to become aware of the effects of these foods on their
health
Use synonyms
 and how to maintain their physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
, will be more effective. In conclusion, in my opinion,
although
Linking Words
 increasing the amount of money which
people
Use synonyms
 have to pay to eat manufactured
food
Use synonyms
 and drink can have some advantages, it will not influence
iindividuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 until they become knowledgeable about the impacts of sugary meals on their
health
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay addresses the task, but you could enhance it by providing a clearer stance. While you mention the pros and cons, clearly stating whether you agree or disagree would make your position more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your arguments. The essay would benefit from using more transitional phrases to ensure smooth progression between ideas.
task response
You have provided some supporting points, but adding more specific examples or evidence could strengthen your arguments. This would make your main points more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which gives your essay a clear structure.
task response
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant points for discussion.
task response
Your language is clear, and the ideas you present are comprehensible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: