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Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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In Today’s fast-paced world, adults are putting a lot of
pressure
Use synonyms
 on their
children
Use synonyms
 to succeed. Personally,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is wholly detrimental
due to
Linking Words
influence
Correct pronoun usage
its influence
show examples
 badly
children
Use synonyms
’s mental health and the increase in self-confidence. The main drawback of putting too much
pressure
Use synonyms
 on their
children
Use synonyms
 will lead to unstable mental health,
based on
Verb problem
.
show examples
science’s
Capitalize word
Science’s
show examples
 research shows that
pressure
Use synonyms
 can help people gain more motivation.
However
Linking Words
, the opposite side of having a lot of
pressure
Use synonyms
 from others, especially from their families, will make
students
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 feel stressed because they are always consider about their abilities.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2020 Dr. David Timothee
made
Verb problem
conducted
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 experiment about “
succeed
Capitalize word
Succeed
show examples
 all from natural”, he chose two
children
Use synonyms
 to
played
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
puzzle
Correct article usage
a puzzle
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 game and one of them had to follow what their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
, other could play in freedom.
Finally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who had to work with their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
was lose
Change the verb form
was lost
was losing
show examples
 and in the
interview
Add a comma
interview,
show examples
 he said
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
“
that
Correct pronoun usage
it that
show examples
 too hard to follow my
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 permission, they made me feel uncomfortable”.
From
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 experiment could show that
parents
Use synonyms
 who always be desirous have a tendency to make their toddlers
gain
Verb problem
feel
show examples
stresses
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the excessive
pressure
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 on
students
Use synonyms
 may lead to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 self-confidence.
Students
Use synonyms
 who feel supported and encouraged
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
 are more likely to believe in their abilities
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
than
students
Use synonyms
 who only feel
pressure
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
. To give an example, statistics show that more than 57
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 lose confidence in themselves because their
parents
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 only care about their achievements and do not put
pressure
Use synonyms
 on them to score.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
pressure
Use synonyms
 can lead to a loss of credence in young
children
Use synonyms
, which makes it more difficult for them to develop compared to their peers. In conclusion, I consider that
parents
Use synonyms
 putting
pressure
Use synonyms
 on their
children
Use synonyms
 to succeed is utterly disadvantageous because of influence badly
children
Use synonyms
’s mental health and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
self-confidence. I believe that adults who have
children
Use synonyms
 should give them support
instead
Linking Words
 of putting
pressure
Use synonyms
 on them.

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task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are thoroughly developed and clearly articulated. The essay touches on valid points, but the reasoning can be made stronger with more detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Improve your sentence structure and grammar for better clarity. This will also enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is a strong point.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic directly and provides relevant examples to support your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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