IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Other say Olympics is a waste of money and the moneycould be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #olympic #games #events #nations #olympics #waste #money #moneycould
Some individuals believe that the Olympic games are international events bringing other
countries
 to enjoy the festival,
while
 others consider that
money
 should be invested in other things
instead
 of holding the
Olympics
.
This
 writer argues that the Olympic games help maintain peace in the world and enhance the relationships of other
countries
 rather than removing festivals to spend
money
 on other things. It must be recognized that the
Olympics
 is an occasion that gathers all players in every nation together and gains victory for their
countries
. It can help higher priorities in each country maintain tranquillity with others because the
Olympics
 is
also
 a special occasion that makes peace between
countries
 that have little conflict and prevents the outbreaking of war.
Moreover
, war affects a lot of
people
's lives and finances.
Therefore
, the
Olympics
 should be held to avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad results for these nations.
However
, other individuals believe that the
Olympics
 should be removed and
money
 should be invested in facilities for homeless
people
.
This
 belief is based on nowadays life that the cost of living is too high that poor
people
 become poorer because they cannot afford standard demand in society.
For
this
 reason, others say that
money
 should be spent on difficult situations to enhance the country's potential.
Moreover
, It can
also
 solve some social tensions and problems
such
 as crimes, and drug dealers,.. by reducing the cost of living so that
people
 can live easily.
This
 writer believes that avoiding wars in the world is necessary.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that war just brings trauma and misery for soldiers and waste in finance because of weapons investment.
Therefore
, the
Olympics
 should be
remained
Correct your spelling
retained
show examples
 and invested to become a better place for other nations to show their competitive spirit.
To sum up
, maintaining peace and enhancing relationships are essential points that need to be considered.
Therefore
, it should have been shown that governments must prioritise the world's problems as considered ones.

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task achievement
To enhance your essay, it's essential to include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This could involve citing historical or contemporary instances where the Olympics have either fostered international peace or been criticized for their costs.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, working on the flow and connection between ideas can improve coherence and cohesion. Using more transitional phrases and ensuring each paragraph smoothly leads to the next can make your argument more compelling.
general
There are minor grammatical errors and stylistic issues that need to be addressed. For instance, phrases like 'outbreaking of war' should be corrected to 'outbreak of war.' Making sure your language is precise and formal will improve your essay's clarity and impact.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay directly addresses the prompt and provides a balanced discussion of both views.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are logically presented and well-supported, although additional evidence would strengthen them further.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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