IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that what individuals do to protect cannot make difference, others say that individuals can protect environment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals #difference #environment
Many people now believe that the
government
 should be responsible for protecting the
environment
 as there is nothing much that people can do to solve
this
 problem,
while
 others argue that the actions of individuals
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
currently are far more sufficient. The writer believes that the responsibility of protecting the
environment
 should not fall upon the
government
 because citizens now can make a significant contribution to
solve
Change the verb form
solving
show examples
this
 issue. On the one hand, many conservations organised by citizens have some positive effect on the
environment
. There is no doubt that a majority of people now have been aware of the severe impacts of their daily activities
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
environment
 and their whole lives.
Therefore
, more and more residents have participated in many organisations for cleaning cities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and raising the awareness of others in their communities, which will make these campaigns become successful.
For instance
, the charity group called Sai Gon Xanh,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will go to many filthy areas in order to collect trash that would make the ecosystem and
environment
 in Vietnam become better and better in the future.
However
, the
government
 should be responsible for maintaining and protecting the
environment
. Indeed, the authorities should implement many strict laws that prevent individuals from continuing
damaging
Change the verb form
to damage
show examples
 the
environment
.
Thus
, citizens will become scared of being punished or paying fees, so they will change their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 to preserve the surrounding
environment
.
Additionally
, the
government
 could invest more money in many organisations to improve the facilities.
Subsequently
, applying
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
modern and high-quality equipment could significantly contribute to the success of these conservations, which not only improve the condition of the
environment
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 develop the standard of living. In conclusion,
although
 individuals could have many positive effects on changing people’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 about preserving the
environment
, I argue that they cannot solve it solely without the responsibility of the
government
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are balanced in terms of elaboration; while both sides of the argument are presented, the government’s responsibility is slightly more detailed. Aim for a more balanced exposition.
coherence cohesion
Try to develop a clear thesis statement in the introduction to make your stance more explicit from the beginning. This will strengthen the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases more effectively to highlight the connections between your points and sections. This will improve the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument clearly, which shows good understanding and ability to discuss multiple perspectives.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the Sai Gon Xanh group, effectively support your points and add credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your structure, with distinct paragraphs for each argument and a clear introduction and conclusion, makes your essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • eco-friendly
  • collective impact
  • grassroots movements
  • systemic changes
  • sustainable products
  • environmental degradation
  • coordinated actions
  • policy changes
  • environmental-friendly policies
  • advocacy efforts
What to do next:
Look at other essays: