IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

: Some people say that what individuals do to protect cannot make difference, others say that individuals can protect environment. Discuss both these view and give your opinion.

#people #individuals #difference #environment
A controversial discussion point is whether individuals can have a positive impact on the
environment
.
This
 writer believes that the
environment
 can be protected
due to
 the reduction in industry and investment in public transportation. It is vital to understand that nowadays,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
industry gradually
develops
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 throughout the world and
also
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 the main reason
leads to
Verb problem
for
show examples
 pollution. It is evident that
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
, numerous factories release a huge
amount
 of gas emissions
in to
Join the words
into
show examples
 the atmosphere and cause many environmental issues
such
 as global warming or ozone layer depletion. If
people
 take
this
 problem seriously and put some policies in industrial
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
,
this
 problem will soon improve.
Moreover
, residents should gather together and propagandize campaigns to foreign
countries
 in order to attract more attention from
people
 around the world to consider
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue.
However
, a majority of
people
 believe that
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 cannot make any difference to the
environment
 because of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 lateness. The problem has gone
too
Rephrase
so
show examples
 far that
people
 have no
ideas
Fix the agreement mistake
idea
show examples
 how to tackle the pollution and consider
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the solution.
Furthermore
, many
countries
 just want to make a profit so they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not care about the
environment
,
the
Correct word choice
or the
show examples
 habitat. It can be seen that the United
State
Fix the agreement mistake
States
show examples
 did not reduce their productivity in both industry and agriculture
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
because one of the
countries
 that leads to the global scale. These
people
 just concentrate on their temporary benefits without thinking in the long term. Despite the unthoughtfulness, some
people
 still try their best to dedicate
Correct pronoun usage
themselves for
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
countries
 with efforts through the decrease in transportation. More
people
 tend to move around by public
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
show examples
such
 as bus or taxi rather than their own vehicles because they believe that
this
 can reduce a large
amount
 of toxic emissions in the air. Numerous investors invest a large
amount
 of budget into the public
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
show examples
 with the purpose of
renovate
Wrong verb form
renovating
show examples
 them each year and appeal more consumers to use these vehicles.
Hence
, in 2023,
scientist
Fix the agreement mistake
scientists
show examples
 show that the
amount
 of emission has significantly
decrease
Change the verb form
decreased
show examples
 and
also
 the ozone layer has recovered
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a large extent. Taking all
pints
Correct your spelling
points
show examples
 into account,
although
 the dedication of
people
 is unnoticeable, with the unity of
people
 from different
countries
, it can prevent many diseases that have a negative impact on
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have provided an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. However, some points in your essay are not entirely clear or well-developed, such as the reasoning behind your assertion that industrial limitations will necessarily lead to environmental improvement. Ensure you elaborate on such points for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Paragraphs should be more logically structured. Transition words could help improve the flow between each paragraph. Some sentences are quite long and convoluted, which affects readability.
task achievement
It’s good that you have used some linking words, but it would benefit from more variety. Also, some arguments need stronger support. For instance, your claim about the investments in public transportation reducing emissions lacks specific examples.
task achievement
You have made an effort to present both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the essay nicely.
task achievement
You’ve included some relevant examples and evidence, such as the role of public transportation in reducing emissions, which enhances your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • eco-friendly
  • collective impact
  • grassroots movements
  • systemic changes
  • sustainable products
  • environmental degradation
  • coordinated actions
  • policy changes
  • environmental-friendly policies
  • advocacy efforts
What to do next:
Look at other essays: