IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #purpose #school #children #citizens #workers #benefit #individuals
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some
 people argue that the primary purpose of school is to create good citizens and productive workers.
This
 essay argues that
this
 is more beneficial for
children
 to gain knowledge and their emotions for their colourful world in the future
To begin
 with, the study improves national human resources.
This
 is because offspring can learn various knowledge in subjects
such
 as science, math and literature through improvement.
This
 obviously leads to enhancing interest in careers related to their favourite major and allows them to have a wanted occupation in the future .
As a result
,
children
 learn with their green energy to create many paths to help develop water in the world. In
this
 way, schools’ aim is achieved in terms of nourishing students’ strengths and improving their weaknesses. What is more,
although
 the influence of home teaching can not be ignored,
children
’s emotions should be a concern. It is because
teachers
 focus on turning them into similar people who are good workers and
teachers
 do not really care about student’s feelings and thinking .
As a consequence
 , it is a crucial challenge to understand the feelings of
children
 when they are mature. If
teachers
 can teach students to follow their own direction, they can be successful in many walks of life and more importantly be happy.
Therefore
, it is easy to understand why
teachers
 should concentrate on their emotions and allow
children
 to be free to make their own decisions In conclusion,
although
 it is said that the major function of schools should be training
children
 to become productive citizens and labourers, I would agree that educational institutions ought to fulfil their duty by helping students to gain benefits for themselves.
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task achievement
While the essay does present an argument, it lacks concrete examples to support the points made. Improving this aspect would make the argument more robust.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is generally clear, but some ideas are not fully developed or connected. It's important to ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame the argument effectively.
task achievement
The task response is generally good, with the essay addressing the prompt and offering a clear standpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • shaping
  • developing
  • unique talents
  • potential
  • well-rounded
  • academic
  • social
  • emotional development
  • personal growth
  • contribute positively
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • happier and more fulfilled
  • strike a balance
  • preparing students for the workforce
  • nurturing
  • individual needs
  • pursue passions and interests
  • thrive
  • future professionals
  • community institutions
  • shape community values
  • foster civic engagement
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