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Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while other think that tere are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #tere #factors #money #appearance
Nowadays, there is an opinion that
life
 will succeed through determination and hard work.
While
 some might that appearance and might that appearance and
money
 are more important.
This
 writer completely agrees with the first idea has more benefits. On the one hand, if
people
 work with unwavering attitudes it creates an enormous problem in their lives which makes them not want to do anything. Working by themselves with create a person that can do any challenges in
life
. It can be seen that in Japan, a large number of adults use their parents’
money
 to live which is referred to as “lazy humans”, or “the mistake of the environment”.
On the other hand
,
money
 will be an important part of helping
people
 have more communication with other
people
.
Moreover
, appearance can bridge the gap between
people
 and
people
 because it is an object that cannot be lost in our daily lives. Having
money
 can control
life
 more easily, not only our own
life
 but
also
 other
people
's lives. Most businessmen know exactly the dangers
money
 can bring back on themselves, it can
also
 open more job opportunities for students. In conclusion, both ideas have it good face but to be chosen,
this
 writer will choose the hardworking and determination.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views on the topic, but it could benefit from a more balanced and in-depth discussion. Consider adding more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, use more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This will make your essay easier to follow.
supported main points
Ensure that all your points are well-supported with relevant examples and clear explanations. This helps in making your argument more convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps set the context and summarize your main points effectively.
task achievement
You attempted to address both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • multifaceted
  • determination
  • humble beginnings
  • long-term goals
  • influential networks
  • public image
  • societal standards
  • amplify opportunities
  • foundational
  • crucial
  • exemplifying
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