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Band 4.5

Some people think that the main purpose of school is turn to children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do agree or disagree

#people #purpose #school #children #citizens #workers #benefit #individuals
Nowadays, education aims to make children become better
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all aspects including individuals and societies. Some groups thought that the one was superior to the
second,
also
 others said the opposite sides.
This
 essay will show writers that totally agree with the first idea. One factor that must be known is the money invested by the government and their target is
that
Change preposition
to
show examples
 create citizens that benefit to social to improve the country.
Moreover
, when students go to school with the aim of becoming ideal citizens, they will focus more on policies, rules and what action they may take to help the country, which would create better societies for living. There is some
contrast
Replace the word
contrasting
show examples
 idea that if studying with the social target, citizens could waste their time
due to
 there is not any benefit for them, it should be study for how they can get more money, and become managers without any awareness of the world.
However
,
that is
 just a
short-time
Correct your spelling
short-term
show examples
 solution.
For example
, when the leader merely thought on the individual side, the team would not work effectively.
Moreover
, working for societies
also
 means that
this
 person helped the standard improve, and the place where he or she
live
Change the verb form
lives
show examples
 would be better.
Therefore
, it
also
 had an impact on their own. In conclusion, despite the fact that studying for an individual’s target may have
benefits
Change the verb form
benefited
show examples
 a lot for people, it is superior to studying with the aim for social
due to
 the long-term effect and the high awareness it brings to society.

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more logically. For instance, make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and that transitions between ideas are smooth to improve readability.
task achievement
Use more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your argument much stronger and more convincing.
general
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences are hard to understand due to grammatical errors. Proofreading before submission could help minimize these issues.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
The topic is clearly addressed and you give both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • shaping
  • developing
  • unique talents
  • potential
  • well-rounded
  • academic
  • social
  • emotional development
  • personal growth
  • contribute positively
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • happier and more fulfilled
  • strike a balance
  • preparing students for the workforce
  • nurturing
  • individual needs
  • pursue passions and interests
  • thrive
  • future professionals
  • community institutions
  • shape community values
  • foster civic engagement
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