IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many adults nowadays prefer spending their free time playing computer games. Why do they do this? Is this a positive or negative development?

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A good number of grown-ups prefer spending their spare time playing
computer
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games
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 or video
games
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 nowadays.
This
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 essay will discuss how entertainment value is the primary contributor to
this
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 trend. Personally, I believe
this
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 is a positive
development
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 because it sharpens the cognitive
skills
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 of those
adults
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.
Computer
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games
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 are played mainly for entertainment and individuals can gain pleasant experience playing
computer
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games
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.
For instance
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, the
games
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 offer players interactive and engaging storylines which
adults
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 will enjoy the most.
This
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 is why,
adults
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 are more likely to choose to play
computer
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games
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 after
hectic
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a hectic
show examples
 day to unwind
themselves
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apply
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. Playing
games
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 helps individuals escape from daily stress and shift their focus onto the challenging
taksts
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tasks
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the virtual world for a short
while
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. Playing
computer
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games
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 reaps benefits to
adults
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 by enhancing cognitive
skills
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 and
that is
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 why
this
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to be
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is
show examples
 a positive
development
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. Many
games
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, especially those in the simulation and strategy genres, present gamers with an epic of challenges that require critical reasoning, problem-solving and
decision making
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decision-making
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 competencies to devise
best laid
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best-laid
show examples
 plans in order to overcome them. The
skills
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 gained
while
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 playing these types of
games
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 can
also
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 be applied in
real life
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real-life
show examples
 problem-solving situations.
For instance
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,
'cooking'
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the 'cooking'
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 game offers players a series of challenges that require cognitive
skills
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 to examine situations, determine obstacles and design effective strategies to overcome them. In
conculsion
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conclusion
,
adults
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 today tend to play digital
games
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 because these
games
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 are the modern form of entertainment to relieve the pressures of life, and I think
this
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 is a positive
development
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 as it fosters cognitive
development
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.

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task response
You have clearly addressed both parts of the prompt, explaining why adults play computer games and why it is a positive development. To achieve a higher score, consider exploring counterarguments to provide a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay flows well, and ideas are logically connected. Enhancing the use of linking words and phrases could improve the cohesion even further.
coherence and cohesion
Your main points are supported by examples, which is good. However, ensuring that each example is tied more explicitly to the main argument might strengthen your essay.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, making your essay easy to follow.
task response
The reasons for adults playing computer games and the positive impacts are well-explained and relevant to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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