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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some pepople feel that the private lives of celebreties should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 keep with a belief that famous
people
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’s
lives
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 should be private and closed from media services.
Although
Linking Words
 they deserve to have their own space, they are
also
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 role models to
others
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 which is why need to show their life.
To begin
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 with, celebrities' private
lives
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 should not be shared with the media. They need to have their own space just to relax from society
as well as
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 other individuals.
Moreover
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, if
people
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 have
such
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 kind of data, they might be able to do a bulging
due to
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 the envying.
For example
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, there was a popular TikTok blogger called Charlie Damelio. Her daily life started to be filmed on a TV Channel and after publishing,
people
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 wrote hate on social platforms about herself and her daily habits. Unfortunately, she was not able to cope with
this
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 hate and was underdressed for three years.
Therefore
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, if celebrities are not protected from it, they will be frustrated with a couple of mental disorders
such
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 as depression.
On the other hand
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, celebrities'
lives
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 should be opened because of their character as role models. Since they are role models to
others
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, and by providing access to it, they give stimulation
as well as
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 advice to
others
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 who want similar positions. To be more precise, right society is waiting for the data about their experiences.
For instance
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, Jeski Chan is popular not only for his ability but
also
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 for interviews. There he is sharing not only his difficulties but
also
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 teaching viewers.
Thus
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, if stars share their private life,
others
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 will take it as motivation. In conclusion, I think that famous
people
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's
lives
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 should be shared to
such
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 a degree as the stars want. If we did it, we would not have so many suicides because of hate among stars.

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coherence cohesion
It is important to improve the logical structure of your essay. Try to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Transition words can be helpful in connecting your ideas better.
task achievement
Make sure your main points are strongly supported. Use thoroughly explained examples and evidence to back up your arguments, rather than relying on generalizations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This will help clarify your arguments and make the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a concluding paragraph that summarizes your opinion effectively.
task achievement
You've managed to present both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the task.
task achievement
You have used some relevant examples to support your points, which is commendable.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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