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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries the elderly are highly valued and respected, while in others youth is more highly valued. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Recently, lots of nations believe that older
have
Verb problem
people are
show examples
 more valuable
while
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 others think it is the younger ones. The writer of
this
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 essay is going to discuss two sides and give his own
experience
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, elders were prized
due to
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 the benefit that bring from their own
experience
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. First of all, the knowledge they learn daily can make their
work
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 easier to complete without spending too much time.
For example
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, making a badminton shuttlecock is a difficult task
that is
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 because
people
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 who want to create a nice one and sell it at high prices must be very persistent and meticulous. But, it is quite a simple job for a person who has the
experience
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 of making them.
Secondly
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,
people
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 who at old age can readily tackle the problems surrounding them. By reason of the
awareness
Add a comma
awareness,
show examples
 they have collected on their life journey.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 think that the youth crowd were esteemed.
This
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 is because they can
work
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 with plenty of imagination, they always bring out a lot of ideas in their genius brain especially it is useful ones. Their opinions
also
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 matter in the digital age.
For example
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,
due to
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 the development of AI, today
people
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 can easily do unimaginable things but require a code
that is
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 very difficult to run and only young
people
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 can do these things.
Additionally
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, they are even more flexible on many jobs which means that they can do a lot of tasks in a short time. Take Elon Musk for an example, he can
work
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 at his office from day to night with no break time and he works as a coder and physicist, his ideas
also
Linking Words
 change the world because he can bring our
people
Use synonyms
 into universes. Teaching for the youth is the main reason why I stand for the elders. They can teach the younger
people
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 about the issues they have met in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and instruct them how to avoid them.
Moreover
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, The words of elders have high value in the community and
that is
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 why they are highly appreciated.
For instance
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, in the election contest only the
people
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 who at the old age decide who will be elected because they know who is a worthy person by their own
experience
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. In conclusion, there are several reasons why older and younger
people
Use synonyms
 are highly appreciated but for the sake of older
people
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 in
work
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 and society, they deserve to be appreciated more.

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task response
The essay provides a discussion on both sides of the topic, but it lacks a clear thesis statement in the introduction. Ensure your thesis introduces the main points that will be discussed.
task response
Some ideas and sentences are unclear and could be expressed more clearly with careful proofreading. Aim to articulate ideas in a more straightforward and precise manner.
coherence and cohesion
The logic of the essay can be improved by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences contribute to that main idea. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly and logically to the next.
coherence and cohesion
The use of cohesive devices can be improved. While some linking words are used, they often feel repetitive or overly simple. Try to vary them and use them more effectively to improve the flow of ideas.
task response
The essay addresses all parts of the task by discussing both perspectives and providing a personal opinion.
task response
Good examples are provided to illustrate points, such as the mention of making a badminton shuttlecock and citing Elon Musk's work ethic.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear conclusion that summarizes the writer's stance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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