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Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

Many people are becoming fat.What is main reason of this.How it could be solved?

#people #reason
Obesity is
accumulation
Correct article usage
the accumulation
show examples
 superfluous of fat in the body.
This
 might be very dangerous for health. People become overweight because of unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. People suffer from different
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 because of
overweighting
Replace the word
overweight
show examples
.
For instance
 cardio illnesses,
high level
Add a hyphen
high-level
show examples
 cholesterol,
high level
Add a hyphen
high-level
show examples
 blood pressure, problems of
respiratory
Add an article
the respiratory
show examples
 system and others. The main reasons of
overweighting
Replace the word
overweight
show examples
 are eating more unhealthy food and unhealthy
lifestyle
. Nowadays in the world we can see that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
eat
Correct subject-verb agreement
eats
show examples
 too much fast food and they do not
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do enough physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
See off
Verb problem
To prevent
show examples
overweighting
Replace the word
overweight
show examples
 children should be informed enough about
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
.
Moreover
,
regularly
Change the word
regular
show examples
 physical exercises and physical working can see off overweighting. And
this
 is very important for
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
.
Submitted by nazirovmuhammad71 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay should be more logically structured. Consider starting with a clear introduction that defines obesity, followed by separate paragraphs for causes and solutions, and a conclusion that summarizes your points.
coherence cohesion
Use more connectors and transitional phrases to link your ideas together smoothly. This will help improve the flow and readability of your essay.
task achievement
Make sure to provide a more comprehensive response to the question by detailing the points you are making. For example, explain why fast food and lack of exercise lead to obesity.
task achievement
More specific examples can strengthen your argument. For example, include statistics or studies that show the link between unhealthy eating and obesity.
task achievement
Your essay identifies key causes of obesity, such as unhealthy eating habits and lack of physical exercise.
task achievement
You mention various health problems associated with obesity, showing awareness of its consequences.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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