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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over whether the
media
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 should openly share celebrities’ private
lives
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. In my opinion, the
media
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 can share a small part of celebrities’ private
lives
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 but not affect too badly to their
privacy
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 Doubtlessly, celebrities play a paramount significant role in people’s
lives
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 and their
privacy
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 should be revealed to the public.
This
Linking Words
 is probably because they are the role models for us to follow and look up to.
Moreover
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,
leaking
Verb problem
losing
show examples
 celebrities’
lives
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 can
also
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 help them to gain more fame and become more notorious.
For instance
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, if people
such
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 as Son Tung MTP or Mono have
lives
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 shared by the
media
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 about where they live, the things they do in a single day or what they eat, fans will kindle their own curiosity and enthusiasm and the KOLs can
also
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 attract a wealth of viewers from that.
Hence
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, to some extent, the
media
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 can enclose the private
lives
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 of influencers.
However
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, some parts of their
lives
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 should not be revealed in an open way. And the basis of
this
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 is that everyone deserves their own
privacy
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 including the famous KOLs. Not only ordinary people but
also
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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celebrities have their own secrets that they want to keep for them
such
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 as their relationships, love life and health issues.
For instance
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, Thang and Jack can be cited as one of the most outstanding examples of
this
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 problem. They are customary singers and songwriters in Vietnam but in
this
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 day and age, their
lives
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 get leaked with a myriad of negative information so their prestige has been affected immensely.
Thus
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, disclosing the private
lives
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 of celebrities is not essential. In
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, the
media
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 can reveal a small part of influencers’
lives
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 but they still have to ensure their
privacy
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.

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coherence
To improve coherence, ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using phrases like 'Additionally,' 'Furthermore,' or 'However,' to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Work on strengthening your main points by providing deeper analysis or more detailed examples. This will help in making your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
Balance your discussion by acknowledging counter-arguments more explicitly. This will show a more nuanced understanding of the topic and can enhance your score.
introduction
The introduction clearly states your position, which gives the reader a sense of direction.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples to support your points, which enhances the clarity of your arguments.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay, reinforcing your initial stance.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Media scrutiny
  • Public persona
  • Personal autonomy
  • Sensationalism
  • Paparazzi
  • Tabloid journalism
  • Right to privacy
  • Mental well-being
  • Public interest
  • Ethical journalism
  • Celebrity culture
  • Gossip columns
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