IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities Closing. Do you agree or disagree?

#growth #shops #towns #cities
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Some individuals are of the opinion that with the rapid increase in online shopping, all stores in suburban and urban areas
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 soon go extinct. I firmly disagree because not everyone can patronize online stores, especially
people
 who are not tech-savvy, and there is the risk of breach of privacy and online theft. First and foremost,
people
 will always patronize shops in town and rural areas, especially elderly individuals who are not tech-inclined and cannot access the internet.
For example
, not all older
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
 know how to turn on their internet devices;
on the other hand
, many older parents do have mobile phones that can access the internet.
Therefore
, there is a huge barrier gap that may not be closed anytime soon.
Furthermore
, the breach of privacy and online theft has made many persons reluctant to use websites to shop.
This
 is because shoppers are scared of the rapidly growing rate of scam pages disguised as real businesses that scam
people
 of their hard-earned money.
In addition
, the online banking system has been exposed to threats from hackers, who now use
people
's personal details to gain access to their bank applications and withdraw huge sums of money.
Moreover
, the fear of Customers' ATM cards being compromised
while
 trying to pay for purchased goods via POS is another issue of great concern. In conclusion,
while
 the increase in online shopping is a great win for society in terms of technological advancement, I believe it
also
 exposes online buyers to a lot of financial risks, which would not encourage many
people
 to switch completely to purchasing online.
Submitted by m.bunmifausat on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure to avoid repetition of ideas. For instance, points about elderly individuals could be expanded further instead of stating their limitations in two different ways.
task achievement
Include a counter viewpoint and refute it. This will make your argument stronger and demonstrate the ability to consider different perspectives.
task achievement
Maintain a formal tone and avoid minor language errors. For example, the use of 'persons' can be replaced with 'people' to sound more natural.
task achievement
Clear and relevant examples provided to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
Good introduction and conclusion that frame the essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure with ideas expressed in a clear and organized manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • e-commerce
  • brick-and-mortar
  • physical stores
  • online retailers
  • retail apocalypse
  • digital economy
  • consumer behavior
  • sustainability
  • commercial landscape
  • high-street
  • consumer trends
  • augmented reality
  • showrooms
  • carbon footprint
What to do next:
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