IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people feel that private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #lives #celebrities #media
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over whether it is suited to openly
sharing
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
 the private
lives
 of
celebrities
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the social platform or not.In my opinion, I would consider myself
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 supporter of
this
 idea. Without a shadow of a doubt,sharing about the private
lives
 of
celebrities
 in the media should not be openly shared on social platforms.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 explanation for
this
 could be that they have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to protect their privacy and personal
lives
 ought not to be widely discussed on the internet.To be specific, some tabloid newspapers always confuse netizens with inaccurate or exaggerated news from the private
lives
 of
celebrities
.Not only that, those newspapers
also
 dig up stories from the private
lives
 of them. And
this
 makes them gradually unpopular and even unable to continue working.
Hence
, I think sharing about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
’
lives
 should not be openly shared to avoid misunderstandings.
While
 the disadvantages of sharing
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
lives
 of
celebrities
 are widely acknowledged, its counterpart still lingers.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that
celebrities
 can share about their field of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 with a view to getting closer to
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 audiences though it is not always
.
Correct word choice
true.
show examples
Moreover
, a myriad of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters can be inspired by
celebrities
 who share about life.
Thus
, sharing
private
Correct article usage
the private
show examples
lives
 of
celebrities
is play
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
 an important role in work though it is not complete. In
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
although
 sharing certain aspects of their private
lives
 can enhance the relationship between
celebrities
 and their fans,it is crucial for them to strike a balance to avoid risks.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay is focused on the topic, but the ideas are not fully developed. Try to expand on your points with more detailed explanations and relevant specific examples.
task achievement
Make sure your arguments are clearly stated and easy to understand. Some sentences are a bit confusing and could be rephrased for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the coherence of your essay by making sure your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Use transitional words and phrases to link your sentences and paragraphs smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Work on providing more specific examples to support your main points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your conclusion clearly summarizes your main points and provides a final thought on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing an attempt to consider different perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Media scrutiny
  • Public persona
  • Personal autonomy
  • Sensationalism
  • Paparazzi
  • Tabloid journalism
  • Right to privacy
  • Mental well-being
  • Public interest
  • Ethical journalism
  • Celebrity culture
  • Gossip columns
What to do next:
Look at other essays: