Some people feel that there is too much emphasis on getting an education, and that the government should spend money on leisure time activities for young people too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #emphasis #education #government #money #leisure #time #activities

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The importance of studying youth is overstated. The government ought to provide youth relaxation programs

Change preposition

with more

show examples

funding.

While

I agree with

this

position in many ways, I would contend that

while

discipline is important, convenience enterprise is

also

quite valuable. Granted, even

while

training is crucial, more funds should be allocated to the leisure time businesses of younger generations. The first justification is that leisure

activities

may only serve to promote the general development of newcomers.

This

is because youngsters need recreational

activities

to decompress and unwind after demanding study days. Students can replenish their energy and study more productively in the ensuing hours

as a result

Second,

extracurricular

activities

can foster stronger relationships and mutual understanding among students.

For example

, when young people play football with their mates, they need to work together well if they want to score. After engaging in leisure

activities

this

will cause the younger generations to get closer to one another.

On the other hand

, I contend that discipline is always a wise investment. Provide an excellent training atmosphere for upcoming kids first and foremost.

This

indicates that the money will be used to purchase supplies and infrastructure for schools. Children will benefit from a better learning environment

as a result

, which will motivate kids to advance in their education. The second justification is that it gives instructors a fair wage.

This

is because teacher salaries will remain consistent when the government gives science greater priority. They can

then

feel safe and concentrate on instructing. In conclusion, it's thought that the government ought to contribute more funds to the young convenience business. I firmly believe that making training investments may significantly and positively impact both the social and academic environments.

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task achievement

Your essay addresses the task effectively, but there are areas where you can improve your clarity and depth of argument. Aim to develop your ideas further. For instance, elaborate more on how exactly leisure activities contribute to personal development and provide more specific examples.

coherence cohesion

To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Try to connect your paragraphs more seamlessly with transitional phrases. Also, make sure each paragraph fully supports the central thesis with clear and concise points.

coherence cohesion

Your essay contains a clear introduction and a well-defined conclusion. This helps in setting up the structure of the essay effectively.

task achievement

You provided relevant examples, such as the one about playing football, which help in illustrating your points clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

286 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

emphasis on education
personal and societal development
holistic approach
extracurricular activities
mental health
physical health
youth development
invest
skills and knowledge
government's responsibility
personal development
social skills
youth delinquency
balanced approach
wellbeing

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Some people feel that there is too much emphasis on getting an education, and that the government should spend money on leisure time activities for young people too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.

Nowadays, people try to balance between works and other part of lives. However, not many is able to achieve this. What problems does this cause ? Can you suggest some solutions to this issue ?

In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their babies. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In some societies, more and more people are deciding to live alone. Why do you think this is? Do the advantages of living alone outweigh the disadvantages?