Some people feel that there is too much emphasis on getting an education, and that the government should spend money on leisure time activities for young people too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #emphasis #education #government #money #leisure #time #activities

The importance of studying youth is overstated. The government ought to provide youth relaxation programs

Change preposition

with more

show examples

funding.

While

I agree with

this

position in many ways, I would contend that

while

discipline is important, convenience enterprise is

also

quite valuable. Granted, even

while

training is crucial, more funds should be allocated to the leisure time businesses of younger generations. The first justification is that leisure

activities

may only serve to promote the general development of newcomers.

This

is because youngsters need recreational

activities

to decompress and unwind after demanding study days. Students can replenish their energy and study more productively in the ensuing hours

as a result

Second,

extracurricular

activities

can foster stronger relationships and mutual understanding among students.

For example

, when young people play football with their mates, they need to work together well if they want to score. After engaging in leisure

activities

this

will cause the younger generations to get closer to one another.

On the other hand

, I contend that discipline is always a wise investment. Provide an excellent training atmosphere for upcoming kids first and foremost.

This

indicates that the money will be used to purchase supplies and infrastructure for schools. Children will benefit from a better learning environment

as a result

, which will motivate kids to advance in their education. The second justification is that it gives instructors a fair wage.

This

is because teacher salaries will remain consistent when the government gives science greater priority. They can

then

feel safe and concentrate on instructing. In conclusion, it's thought that the government ought to contribute more funds to the young convenience business. I firmly believe that making training investments may significantly and positively impact both the social and academic environments.

Submitted by [email protected] on Wed Jun 05 2024

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement

Your essay addresses the task effectively, but there are areas where you can improve your clarity and depth of argument. Aim to develop your ideas further. For instance, elaborate more on how exactly leisure activities contribute to personal development and provide more specific examples.

coherence cohesion

To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Try to connect your paragraphs more seamlessly with transitional phrases. Also, make sure each paragraph fully supports the central thesis with clear and concise points.

coherence cohesion

Your essay contains a clear introduction and a well-defined conclusion. This helps in setting up the structure of the essay effectively.

task achievement

You provided relevant examples, such as the one about playing football, which help in illustrating your points clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!

Do you want to check your IELTS essays?

Submit unlimited essays, letters and charts. Sign up right now and start improving your writing skills.

8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

286 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 & Task 2 checks
Practice with essays, charts, and letters.
Personalized suggestions & mistake analysis
Spot every mistake and boost your score.
Topic ideas & vocabulary helpers
Expand your ideas and use the right words.
Progress tracking
Watch your writing improve with every practice.

Topic Vocabulary:

emphasis on education
personal and societal development
holistic approach
extracurricular activities
mental health
physical health
youth development
invest
skills and knowledge
government's responsibility
personal development
social skills
youth delinquency
balanced approach
wellbeing

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

5
band
In some countries, the role of a mother differs in some ways from the role of a father. Why do you think these differences exist? How might parental roles develop in the future?
A mother's role and a father's role in how to treat its family could be difference in some parts of the world. Cultures of a country where the couple live in, among other aspects, is the main reason of why this circumstance rose. However, as the time goes by, I think this situation might be changed since there are a lof of contradictive stories as references for the couple.
<4
band
In some countries, the difference in age between parents and children is generally greater than it was in the past. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
In the contemporary world it is a common belief that the differece in age between parents and children.While there are a number of strong arguments for the advantages of difference age between parents and children on the contrary.I believe that there are lost of dis advantages.For these age difference parents are facing lot's of problems when they were old also parents are facing social issues.
7
band
Some young people look forward to a year of travelling, a 'gap year'; before they begin workor university and see it as a chance to broaden their horizons. For others this is an expensive waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is claimed that some students take a gap year to travel from graduation from school or university, before a new important chapter in their life. However, others believe it is just a waste of time, so more effective would be not to miss 12 months and start studying or working straight away. From my point of view, the first option is a great opportunity to get to know yourself and understand what you really want in this life.
6
band
Climate change is a big environmental problem that has become critical in the last couple of decades. Some people claim that humans should stop using fossil fuels and use only alternative energy resources, such as wind and solar power. Others say that oil, gas and coal are essential many industries and not using them will lead to economy collapse. Discuss both views and give your opinion
In recent decades, one of the most pressing issues is climate change which is the result of human fossil fuels usage. Therefore, this should be limited or stopped to alleviate environmental problems. Nevertheless, others believe that oil, gas, and coal are facilities that society needs on daily basis.
5.5
band
You are planning to take a vacation. Write a letter to a friend. In your letter •describe the vacation spot you have chosen •explain how you plan to spend your time there •invite your friend to join you on your vacation Begin your letter as follows: Dear….
Hope you are doing great in your life. As you know we have got our summer break from school, I have planned a detailed trip where we can spend these holidays and enjoy our summer vacation.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!

Some people feel that there is too much emphasis on getting an education, and that the government should spend money on leisure time activities for young people too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

In some countries, the role of a mother differs in some ways from the role of a father. Why do you think these differences exist? How might parental roles develop in the future?

In some countries, the difference in age between parents and children is generally greater than it was in the past. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some young people look forward to a year of travelling, a 'gap year'; before they begin workor university and see it as a chance to broaden their horizons. For others this is an expensive waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

You are planning to take a vacation. Write a letter to a friend. In your letter •describe the vacation spot you have chosen •explain how you plan to spend your time there •invite your friend to join you on your vacation Begin your letter as follows: Dear….

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+