IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Too much emphasis given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays,
countries
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 spend their main budget to create educational and physical
activities
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 for the young generation. I agree that more
government
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 money should be spent on the free
time
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activities
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 of young people. First for the most, Spending money on young people is the best investment. Almost in all
countries
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, schools are free and
in
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apply
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schools have more free
tim
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time
 e
activities
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 for pupils.
For instance
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, If schoolchildren have extra
time
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, they could go to additional free courses or any kind of sports.
As a result
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, These
activities
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 help to decrease any health problems and educational issues. Even, in more European
countries
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, universities are
also
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 free for all
such
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 as Germany, France, Italy ... etc.
Additionally
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, too much investigation into education can bring more economic and political
values
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value
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 to the
government
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.
For example
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, If the
government
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 gives more emphasis to education, scientists will create more useful things and the
government
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 can sell them all over the world.
In
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From
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 another point of view, It takes more budget. The
government
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 takes money from taxes to spending for any kind of sphere. In
this
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 case, to spend more budget on the future of education, the country needs to increase taxes. But it will be less problem for not developed
countries
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.
Moreover
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, Children
also
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 need more free
time
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 to play with their piers. In conclusion, I firmly believe that governments should allocate their primary resources to the young generation.
This
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 investment not only contributes significantly to the development of individuals but
also
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 fosters economic and political progress.
However
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, it is imperative to strike a balance, ensuring that young people are granted sufficient free
time
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 to enjoy their childhood, thereby fostering a holistic development approach.

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coherence cohesion
The essay's structure could be improved by clearly delineating paragraphs for different points. This will make the essay more organized and easier to follow.
task achievement
Ensure that all main ideas are adequately supported with specific and relevant examples. The essay presently has some general examples, which could be more impactful if elaborated.
task achievement
Address all parts of the prompt thoroughly. While the essay discusses the importance of funding free time activities, it could better balance this with the discussion on education spending.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly included an introduction and a conclusion in your essay, which provides a good structure.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear viewpoint and maintains it throughout the discussion, showing consistency.
task achievement
Some good points have been made regarding the benefits of investing in the education and free-time activities of young people.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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