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Band 6

Too much emphasis is given for eduation of the young. More government money should be spent free time activity of young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #eduation #government #money #time #activity #people
How to educate
students
 is a difficult issue worldwide. It is the opinion of
this
 writer that government need to organize more extracurricular
lessons
 rather than
students
 need to focus on main
lessons
such
 as math,.. And the
lessons
 need to be more harder. It is vital to understand governments need to come up with some idea: how to make subjects more interesting
such
 as extracurricular
lessons
, that will cause the
students
 relax after a long hours studying hard. there are many benefits when organized that lesson: the relationship between friends and friends and
students
 with teachers more sustainable.A result for
that is
 more than 80% of
students
 like that activities and their said: that not only help tham to have time for relax byt
also
after
this
 lesson their grades at
school
 is higher.
Therefore
, having a extracurricular lesson is neccessary and need to be required in every schools. Another key component of the case for administators may be created festivals in
school
such
 as music festival, food festival,.. There are many benefits to organize that: it a place for
students
 to show their skills and find new skills, not only that
after
this
 festival,
students
 will know more about personality of their friends. An example for
that is
 in vietnam, there is a festival called "26/3" that festival for vietnam youth union. In that carnival
students
 can play some games, have fun and eat food too.
Thus
,
school
 need to celebrated a carnival for their own
school
.
Thus
, it can be seen that governments need to balance studying and creating more activities for
students
 to play.
Therefore
, it should have been demonstrated that every schools need to have a carvinal for their own.
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coherence cohesion
Your essay introduces the topic and has an introduction and conclusion, but they could be more explicitly defined.
coherence cohesion
Try to organize your points more logically. Consider creating clear paragraphs for each main idea and ensure each paragraph addresses a single point.
task achievement
While your essay addresses the task, ensure all arguments fully support your stance. Make your position clear in the introduction and consistently argue it throughout.
task achievement
Work on providing clearer, more comprehensive ideas that directly relate to the question. Make sure each example you provide explicitly supports your main point.
task achievement
Your essay provides specific examples to support your points, which makes your argument stronger.
task achievement
You're attempting to offer a balanced view on the importance of extracurricular activities and core subjects.
coherence cohesion
You've demonstrated a logical approach to the topic by considering various aspects of student life.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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