IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
Recently, countries usually spend a lot of profit to educate young learners
while
 there is a statement saying that it should be used to create more physical
activities
 for the younger generations. The author strongly agrees that the government should be concerned more about the money used for free
time
activities
 of young people to help them improve their
health
 and mentality. First and foremost, the
health
 of young learners should be considered seriously.
In other words
, because of the tight schedule, it usually makes
students
 not have a lot of free
time
 and rely on momentary entertainment
such
 as mobile phones, and computer games
instead
 of playing sports or doing outdoor
activities
 .
Therefore
 the strength of their physical
health
 decreased significantly over
time
 and caused multiple illnesses related to obesity or malnutrition.
Moreover
, doing free
time
activities
 increases the friendship between classmates and helps
students
 get out of loneliness
while
 studying too much. For example, the government in the Netherlands paid 60% of the budget for schools to create outdoor
activities
 like making basketball completion and improving the playground facilities for younger
students
.
Secondly
, the government should not only focus on the importance of physical
health
 but mental strength is
also
 very vital. There is an indisputable fact that studying too much can affect badly on the student mentality through the score pressure or studying environment.
As a result
 , it makes the student have low self-esteem, depression or even intellectual disability.
Therefore
 ,
activities
 in their free
time
 can make young people happier and avoid mental illness.
Nevertheless
, with a better mindset, the study performance will rise significantly and the study environment will be more suitable for
students
. To recapitulate, social ability, improvement and motivation are justifiable reasons why a student should have
time
 to spend on free action, regardless of their lack of study.
Therefore
, it should have been demonstrated that authority money should be spent on free
time
 action for young people.

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion. While it argues strongly in favor of funding free time activities, recognizing some merits of focusing on education would provide a more nuanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the continuity between sentences and paragraphs. Transitional phrases can better link ideas and make the essay flow more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and articles. A few minor errors are present and could be avoided.
task achievement
The essay has a clear and compelling argument, advocating strongly for the significance of free time activities for young people.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and support the main points effectively.
task achievement
Relevant examples, such as the one from the Netherlands, bolster the argument and provide a realistic context.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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